I think I find it interesting when women (who are pregnant or have been pregnant) get together and start talking about the experiences of pregnancy. This is not a place for me to tread. Not even lightly. We don’t understand. We can’t understand. Nothing we do will make us any closer to being empathetic to what is going on inside of the mom-to-be. Sure, I’ve heard that passing a stone is about like what giving birth feels like; but there is so much more to the birthing process that… well… we don’t get it.

Women want to talk about their experiences and they want a sympathetic audience that will understand what they are going through. Essentially, as a man or even a woman who has never experienced pregnancy, you cannot be a part of those conversations because you’ve not been there.

One aspect of these conversations (I’ve never been asked to leave when they go on; though I am also not required to listen or pay attention either) is that people start making suggestions about who should do the birthing. Specifically, it seems that there is a trend, in this country, toward a midwife to deliver the child. A midwife is someone who is licensed and trained to assist in the delivery of a child and who can perform certain emergency medical procedures. Although having someone (another woman) present who understands the process and has some training (and experience) that would assist Erin in the delivery of our little salamander, we discussed and decided against using a midwife.

Our main reason is the lack of an M.D.

I will grant that an midwife has to go through some training from apprenticeship to university level courses; the midwife is qualified only to assist the mother in delivering a child and offering suggestions to the mom-to-be about what might or might not be appropriate. They are not doctors, surgeons, or medical professionals – though they do hold a place within the medical profession. The midwife is closer, in relationship, to a nurses assistant than to a doctor or surgeon.

Regardless of experience or ability, we considered the implications of what it meant to give birth. There are a myriad of possibilities that exist out there from trouble trying to conceive all they way through amniocentesis as well as a whole host of potential (and potentially life threatening) diseases that the decision to go to someone who has an M.D. negated the desire or drive we had/have for a more homeo-centric approach to child birth. I think Erin said it best when she said, “I want the drugs,” when it came time for her pelvis to split and baby birthing time.

One of the many factors that stopped us from even (seriously) considering a midwife is that I spent some time (at birth) in the ICU as did Erin‘s brother. This is not something that is genetic, but already knowing that the possibility exists (if nowhere else than in our brains) having a doctor who knows and has a good working relationship with a) the hospital Erin is delivering in; and b) the surgeons and doctors in the ICU at that hospital – as well as a helipad at the hospital and relationships with Primary Children’s Hospital make the decision to go the doctor route far more important to us than choosing a midwife.

In truth, though we appreciate the decision many women have of using midwives, we have chosen to go the direction of western medicine and to allow our questions, concerns, and the future health of our child to lie in the hands of someone who has gone through medical school, racked up a significant debt, gone through residency and then spent time specializing over someone who (may or may not) took some courses, certified and is there only to help women give birth.

With all that said, we also understand that many midwives have the knowledge and humility to send a pregnant woman with (potential) problems to a real doctor; however, even in this instance the feeling of having a doctor we can just call and who (among her three other cohorts) will be present at the birth is a security blanket Erin and I want and (in many cases) need.

Finally, I don’t trust midwives. This does not mean I don’t trust people who have used them; nor does it mean I don’t trust the experience of those people, merely that I want and need someone who has not only spent a significant amount of time learning about human anatomy, biology, and process and can (in controlled ways) replicate those process, knows what generally goes wrong and the reasons behind it, and can confidently and competently operate on wife and child means I am far more comfortable and confident about an Obstetrics M.D. doing the delivery than I ever would be of a midwife.

Ultimately, we all must do what makes each of us comfortable in our roles. If money and experience dictate a midwife, I say go for it. At the same time, I don’t want nor want to trust, a midwife. That is our choice.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

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