John Hattaway

Posted By smokingpen on June 2, 2009

I think one of my biggest pet peeves, right behind people who don’t drive the speed limit and right in front of a highly reviewed and praised work of fiction that ends up being a pile of crap are people who are such big fans of a book or series of books that they immediately take the stance that said book-slash-series-slash-author is impossible to adapt. This was the case with The Lord of the Rings series of movies and, admittedly, it required the inclusion of CGI and the advancement of that technology as well as digital film capture to make it a reality. However, even with The Lord of the Ring movies, which I am only sort of a fan of, Peter Jackson had to take a lot of liberties in translating the narrative texture of the stories into a visual medium. As that is true of any book turned movie, and as most science fiction and fantasy movies are not actually any good (case in point Star Wars) even if they become fan favorites and, to some extent, cultural icons, the outcome is a hurdle that is man-made rather than one that is real.

A series of books turned movies that, as they are read, seemed like an impossible transition from page to screen is the Harry Potter movies and yet, Warner Bros. and the various screenwriters have successfully taken the plot of the books and adapted the story into a visual medium. This is also true of other books that didn’t seem like they could be translated such as Robert Heinlein’s Starship Troopers and (to a much lesser extent) Isaac Asimov’s I, Robot. Granted, in order to express the message of the books and the core themes the production had to take liberties and expand upon the ideas of the stories, but that is how a book is made into a movie. Someone reads it, understands the core elements of the book that are transferable to the big screen, acquires the rights, and then makes a movie.

Not every aspect or element of a book will be translatable. What is worse is when a book comes out at 700 pages and the studio suggests that it should be two movies because it is simply too long to fit into one movie. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows suffers from this. In reality, most of the book is trash exposition that is unnecessary in the actual telling of the story and as a result the decision to split the book into two movies is more about money than it is about the density or quality of the story.

In the case of books that are specific to a genre, science fiction and/or fantasy, the narrative of the book is actually one of the smallest factors in determining whether or not it can be translated. Much larger are fan appeal, general appeal, and budget. If there is no general appeal and only fans of the genre know about the book(s) than a budget for a movie would be miniscule and, “Yes,” a crap movie would result. Just because fans like something doesn’t mean it translates into movies either. More, just because fans have a high regard for the narrative and elements of a story doesn’t mean they are actually necessasry to the story or the translation and as a result, neither the screen adaption nor a specific director, producer, or writer are key to that adaptation.

Believe it or not, books, in general, aren’t all that hard to adapt in a lot of ways. The question isn’t one of adaptation in any circumstance, that is the easy part, but rather of ability to market the genre book to a wide enough audience that will, in turn, offer a return on investment. In short, studios and everyone associated with them are in the business to make money and even though it is nice in theory to suggest that art for arts sake will eventually result in money, a movie that loses money, and a series of movies that lose money, will ultimately cause the studio to go out of business and results in other studios lack of willingness to touch a project.

No, there is not real skill in adapting even a multi-volume graphic novel series to the big screen whether live action or CGI or a combination of both. There is a lot of skill in selling the necessary budget to a studio so that the movie and actors and production are properly funded so the movie will actually do something and go somewhere.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

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Posted By smokingpen on June 1, 2009

Well, I am two days into the new job. This is good. I am hoping to like it for a while. The drive is about an hour in each direction, but the outcome is more money and the potential for a lot more. Good times.

Also, I am still messing around with Mind Mapping software. Currently I am enamored of Novamind for my laptop and iBlueSky for the iPhone. This will probably be the combination I use in the future as the two programs are designed to work together. They are (at least at present) separate companies, but separate companies that see the use in having a strategic relationship.

Decided to go with some Polo style shirts as a form of business casual dress. This should be interesting as I am Polo shirt resistant. Erin bought me some and they are comfortable so we will see.

I am starting the MFA-Writing program on July 19th and already have the time-off approved. I am kind of excited about that and look forward to the reading and writing involved. Especially as we’ve spent a bit of money on books, residency, and as a deposit on the program. Actually, this should prove to be very exciting.

Seems like there should be more but I don’t really know what to update as I am a bit tired AND want to be away from my computer for the time being. Anyway, will attempt to write more tomorrow when I have the chance to sit down and think about things for a bit.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

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Posted By smokingpen on May 28, 2009

Wow! Now that I am done with “this place” I am a little excited and off. I walked into the store to turn in my resignation letter and when the girls in the personnel office asked what I needed I said, “I am here to quit.” They got weird looks on their faces and asked what I wanted and I said, “I am here to inform someone that I am no longer going to be employed by [this place],” and then handed the more senior (in position not age) of the two the resignation letter Erin wrote for me because I was far too lazy and then she handed me a piece of paper to fill out – exit interview.

Real exit interview’s are an interesting thing. I’ve been in a real exit interview in the past where the representative of the company I was leaving made sure that I’d turned in all security cards, laptops, and other company owned merchandise to include cell phone while also presenting me with my last paycheck and having me sign all sorts of papers that, in theory, should stop an exiting employee from suing. However, “this place“’s exit interview consisted of my handing a letter, filling out the top 1/8th of a piece of paper, signing and dating at the bottom, initialing next to me name in the check register (payday is Thursday, they decided to hand me my check yesterday – not a standard part of the exit interview) and then, “Goodbye.”

As soon as I was done with that, I gave them my name badges and my box cutter, the only two things I was given as a part of the job, I walked to the front of the store, grabbed a car, and did some shopping.

What makes all of that interesting is that as soon as I got word that I was hired at the new place, Erin and I made a list of things I needed to do, copied here for your enjoyment:

• Resign at “this place“
• Send writing samples to Fairfield University*
• Fax registration for classes to Fairfield University
• Get tested for illegal drug use**

As a result of this, I spent a good portion of the morning and early afternoon reworking a piece of fiction I wrote a couple of weeks ago. Erin read through it a couple of times, made some edits, suggested some changes, and as I was frantically re-working the piece I finally got to a point where I literally had to say, “It’s time to say goodbye little piece of fiction,” print it out, shove it into an envelope, and mail it off to my program.

In between all of that, I ended up reading some of the “you are officially accepted to Fairfield University’s MFA-Writing program” paperwork to see where I needed to fax the registration forms to only to discover that I cannot do that one minute before June 1st. As a result, that item was unceremoniously ejected from the list – though the paperwork is sitting next to my desk.

As for the testing for the use of illegal drugs portion, that seems to be a pretty consistent thing in this part of the world. I have yet to apply for a position where willingness, let alone actually being tested for, illegal drugs hasn’t been required. In fact, I was told that “this place” actually has a 70% fail rate for drug use which also means that the company interviews quite a lot of people before they can offer jobs to a select few. What is really interesting to me about that isn’t the number of people that fail, but that “this place” has the ability to maintain an employee base at all. Though, with that said, I think a big portion of that is legacy employees that never seem to leave and don’t care to advance beyond their current position as grunts.

Once everything was done I was a bit tired, as was Erin, and yet we also got to deal with CAMPER who has not been feeling well of late. We learned, today, that it is probably just allergies and since he is sub-2 years old he gets to suffer with them, which means we get to suffer with them, until the season changes enough that he is no longer dealing with the pollens and whatnot’s. Regardless, the trip to the doctor and the tiredness as I attempt to readjust my internal clock to being awake during the day and asleep at night is proving to be interesting.

And the real news to ALL OF THIS is that I start a new job tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m. I will have a commute, but we’ve decided that is okay; and the company is good with me taking off for two weeks in July so I can be a student again. The outcome of all of this is that I think life is good and I think Erin and I are heading in the right direection. Now, if Harvard’s Divinity School would please accept my wife as a student we will be a bit happier . . . though, if not Harvard than one of Erin’s other top choices. Though, I guess I can stop trying to jump to gun on this one as she is just starting the process.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

*When my harddrive crashed the other week I lost all of the fiction on my computer. Since the writing program does not allow science fiction, fantasy, or anything that doesn’t lean toward a literary bent, I had to come up with something (other than the first 18 pages of Finding Jack Mulvaney (requires a log-in to read)) as a writing sample. The outcome was a short story of about 12 or 13 pages titled, Life Begins at Birth. Erin tells me it is the kind of good and confusing story that makes you wish you understood more about everything with the hope of possibly understanding what it is I am writing about. I am not sure I intended that in the story, though I did get to a point where I literally said to myself, “I think the protagonist needs to die,” and then, “and I think there needs to be a drive-by shooting,” and then proceeded to write to see if and how I got to those two things. As a result, no, the story is not available to read – though after the July residency, barring any other currently unknown hurdles, I may make it available at /story/ to read.

**Apparently, drug use in the north-east is so prevalent that you can’t go to work somewhere without being tested.

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Posted By smokingpen on May 27, 2009

Well, the good news as of this morning (I was tentatively given the good news yesterday) is that I am now changing jobs. “This place” was nice and fine for the time I was able to work for them, but as of today I am done with “this place” with the possible exception of an essay or three and am moving on to a company out of Albany, New York. I don’t have a cute little moniker for the company yet, though I do know what I will be doing and what kind of clientele I will be working with. All details that really obfuscate things.

As a result of this I am hoping to be able to update a bit more and more frequently. Not that work gets in the way, per say, but that I will be working human hours and as a result my sleep-wake patters will be more in line with what I need to work on my writing, on school (starts midlin-July), and spending time with my family. Of these three things I am very excited.

I do want to say that “this place” has been good to me, as far as the company can. I am grateful to have had the job and I am grateful for the new position. It is an environment where I’ve historically excelled and where I can find advancement. At this point, though, I expect that this will last until Erin and I decide where we are going next for Erin’s graduate work. She has some pretty exciting and interesting options of where she wants to go and the different academic programs available to her and as a result, and outside of my own education, I am excited to support her in hers.

With that said, I start on Friday. Monday night was my last night at “this place“, and I get to spend the next couple of days resetting to night time sleep and daytime awakedness. One might think this not a difficult task, but I’ve found that I get tired around noon when I’ve slept at night (these days) and seriously wanting/needing sleep time. I don’t expect this to be different for a week or so, but I do expect to be able to function at the new job.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

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Posted By smokingpen on May 25, 2009

Over the weekend Erin, CAMPER, and I went to a memorial service for a friend of mine. No, he wasn’t my age. In fact, he was in his 80’s or 90’s and was someone I expected to pass on, due to complications in his health, several years ago. I expected, regardless of where I was in the world, that I would put everything aside for a few days and head to New Hampshire to offer my condolences to his widow and participate, even if only at the back of the service, in whatever funeral or memorial was planned. As a result, when I was told he had severe internal bleeding I realized the time was close. A few days after the internal bleeding I was informed he was dead and a few days later told when the memorial service would be held.

Goodbye, Robert.

Robert was one of those people everyone claims they want to know and yet, no one wants to go out of their way to know. He had a lot of very real, very thought out, and in some cases, very offensive opinions. One of the things he believed in was the Constitution of the United States and as a result – and like many others – was enamored of the Second Ammendment, the right to bear arms.

When I moved to New Hampshire with my friends and their children, I didn’t know anyone. I quickly learned that being in New Hampshire could be considered a mistake not because I was there but because I was there alone. Sure, I had friends, but the truth of the matter was (and is) that if anything went sour or south I would be on my own and I didn’t have much (or any) of a backup plan. The outcome was taking a poor paying job, praying for the future, and hoping that as time passed I would find myself in a better situation.

As a result, Robert and Laverne, his wife, were the people that decided to try and fellowship me. It actually started, one day, when I noted Robert putting in a hearing aid and then adjusting it with a separate remote. Truth is, he had several hearing aids for different purposes and the one that had the remote was for listening to people speak. He had another one for music and the result of all of that was me being able to tease him about turning it off on a whim when he was done listening, which he did on occasion.

When it became clear, after about a year, that I wasn’t going to be in New Hampshire any more Robert decided that I needed a proper education. He was a well read man and as stated he had his own opinions on government, politics, news, books, education, and more. So, I agreeed to drive out to his house once a week on Saturday’s for a lesson and homework assignment that dealt with his opinions on the direction of the country, ethnicities, the constitution and laws, and more. It was an interesting experience and over the course of (probably) three months I learned a lot about how Robert worked, thought, and I could see how someone would strongly disagree with the man about almost everything.

As that time was coming to an end and I was preparing to move to finish my undergraduate, Laverne took me aside one day and said, “I wanted to thank you for coming out here and listening to Robert. You may not agree with every he had to say, but he needed to share that with someone and his own sons won’t listen to him.” I smiled and gave her a hug and that was pretty much that.

The thing that made Robert such a wonderful person wasn’t his opinions on government or laws or races or ethnicities or a lot of other things I disagree with. What made him special and is that he was sincere in his desire to live standards he knew were important. When I say he and his wife befriended me, they did. They touched my life and adopted me in a way that I needed and was not over-bearing. They were friends when I needed friendship and couldn’t find it anywhere else. They were people who encouraged me, even though the things I was doing may not have seemed logical or even feesable given age and experience. They were also the people who introduced me to the inhuman treatment of lobstah (and who helped me realize I don’t like that kind of seafood).

After his death I was told Robert decided to be cremated. Not a decision I would make, but also something that completely fit his personality.

The trip was worth it. We woke up early, got ready, grabbed CAMPER, and headed off. We got to listen to people say a lot of nice things about Robert and then give our condolensces to Laverne and his two boys. It was a wondeful day that ended with me feeling more tired, more drained, and more emotionally taxed than I realized was happening.

Robert was definitely someone I needed to know and someone I will miss.

Until we meet again, Robert.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

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Posted By smokingpen on May 20, 2009

I like TV. I’ve stated that in the past. I also like movies. I believe I’ve stated that in the past as well. Why bring those two statements up? Well, TV has the tendency to disappoint me and movies have (in my opinion) grown progressively worse and more predictable over the years. As a result, watching TV often ends with me finding a show that is both intelligent and well written and then discovering that it doesn’t have a following, doesn’t get rating numbers, isn’t really supported by the network (more money out than money in), and as a result becomes one of those canceled shows I will fondly remember for the rest of my life. In some cases, along the lines of Sports Night, I own the series, in other cases, it’s just not worth that walk down memory lane to discover that I will only be disappointed one more time.

To wit, I started watching, this year, Chuck, Castle, Life on Mars, Cupid, and The Unusuals and actually enjoyed each of these shows for various reasons. Chuck was in its second season, and I have to tell you, is an amazing show that doesn’t take itself too seriously. The problem, the network, seeing the numbers being returned for the show, were not exactly eager to renew it for a third season. I knew this when I purchased the first season on DVD and plan to get season 2 when it is released. Chuck got a season 3 renewal for 13 episodes starting after the Winter Olympics and that makes me happy, but at the same time, Heroes, with an oddly cultish following, did worse than Chuck overall and the odds-makers were rather certain it would get renewed.

Castle was on the line as well. It is a well written show with great acting and a nice plot. Granted, we decided it was trying to be like Bones, and that is fine as we are now three or four seasons into that show and it is still on my must watch list; and yet, it is different enough and tells the kind of stories (mysteries) I enjoy that I look forward to the show being on (this year) on Monday nights. In truth, the season ended a week and a couple of days go and I want to see what happens next. The problem isn’t with the show and its not with the viewers, it is, however, with the studios who live under the misguided assumption that if a show doesn’t come out of the gate as a hit it isn’t worth keeping around. Instead of following a business model for scripted television, often requiring more output of money than earning for a period of time (often more than one year and often up to five years, though a couple of negative seasons I’d understand canceling) the studios don’t keep even promising shows around for very long because they don’t make money and anything that doesn’t, immediately, offer returns on investment isn’t worth having around. Castle got renewed. I think many of these shows will actually find themselves improving in the ratings and viewership next year over this year. This year we, the viewing public, are still hurting from the writer’s strike and the cancellation of seasons because, quite honestly, unions in a creative industry are good things (this is sarcasm).

The point in all of this is not to review studio decisions or bottom lines or even to list what shows were canceled or renewed, but rather to indicate that some of the shows I enjoy that were freshman, first season, are coming back. For that I am excited and pleased and thankful. Scripted television is fun and enjoyable when done right and allowed to move forward. It sucks when you get involved in characters lives with the United States expectation that this show will last more than 13 to 22 episodes and more than one season only to discover that the time the audience puts into the show is for nothing because the studio canceled it.

More, we don’t allow experimentation in this country. Rather than allowing a show to exist as only six to thirteen episodes with a possible second season (or series) run with no more than that planned (as in a lot of BBC programming), we insist that nothing is worth doing unless it can be serialized and extended over a large number of years. Specifically, if it’s not going to be around for a long time we don’t want it. Therefore, the pitch of a new TV show to a studio is effective only insofar as it can be shown to last for a number of years, if supported by advertisers and audience, and even though we have a lot of television that lasts less than 13 episodes, often between six and nine, in this country, and the money spent is never earned back even through DVD sales and other revenue streams, we are quite wont to ignore the fact that we have a defacto system like that used by the BBC but with no wrapping up of storyline’s and no realistic end to continuation in the way we produce and watch television.

As I write this it occurs to me that a method for developing for television in the United States on shows that are more experimental and might draw an audience would be to launch a standalone six to nine episode arc that can be spun into a longer series or a secondn six to nine episode arc (if numbers warrant) but does not offer more than those episodes and, in turn, allows for some closure on both the production and audience parts. Instead of telling a production company, “Show us what you can do,” under the hopes of getting a long running series, tell them, “Show us what kind of storytelling you can do with a limited number of episodes,” and then let them tell a complete story over six to nine hours.

Just some thoughts.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

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Posted By smokingpen on May 19, 2009

I think one of the biggest disservices this generation will be tried for in the court of history is the disservice we give to our little boys. In a period of not so many years, we have moved from a position where we treat and teach boys to be boys to a practice where we attempt to nurture the nature out of them and in turn cause them to be more like little girls. Is it any wonder that more and more children are on mood altering drugs and anti-depressants. What’s more, I can guarantee you that all youth oriented shootings are connected with the use of Ritalin and other medications because people don’t know how to treat little boys.

There are differences between men and women, boys and girls.

This becomes even more important and Erin and I try to do what is right AND best for CAMPER – a little boy. As a result, Erin has been reading books on raising little boys because (in case you weren’t aware of this) she’s never been one and doesn’t understand them. Because she is interested in, and concerned about, making sure CAMPER is raised the correct way, we are also concerned with knowing what activities and behaviors are specific to little boys. One of the key ingredients to being a little boy is testosterone and one of the results of testosterone production is aggressive behavior. The outcome is that we can expect that our son will exhibit, in some fashion or another, aggressive behavior. This has already been evidenced in some of his behaviors as he’s learned to sit on his own and play with toys: he throws things, hard, and he throws himself to the ground. Because he is a little boy, this is not (necessarily) dangerous behavior, it is behavior we have to expect and watch for as we have him in different places and positions from his bed to our bed to the changing table to sitting on our laps.

Boys, as the old saying goes, will be boys.

One of the books Erin has been reading, and that I’ve picked up and started reading, is titled: The Wonder of Boys by Michael Gurian. In this book he identifies, as a result of his work, three things every little boy needs to grow up to be a man. They are being brave, truthful, and good.

What I find amazing about this is that society would tell us to ignore these traits and attempt to raise little boys like we would little girls, give them dolls to play with, stifle the natural energies, and in the end stop them from becoming what evolution and biology have dictated they need to be. Rather than attempting to harness the natural exuberance and energy of little boys into appropriate behaviors by teaching them proper outlets, we teach them that the feelings and energies and behaviors are inappropriate and by extension wrong. In short, we are more kind to little girls than to little boys and we stress that little boys are inherently wrong by being born with the XY chromosome pairing.

One reason why this is important (today) is a news article I read and skimmed through over at YAHOO! News: Author’s tales of manly men a little too macho. The title, which is one of the reasons I read the article, presupposes that by representing an ideal of what men are supposed to be, this is somehow causing a diservice to boys. The article doesn’t refute that statement and supports in a couple of places. Instead of talking about the collection of (mostly) true stories, the reviewer really feels that this book is unecessary. And yet, I ask, where do our little boys look to find examples of upstanding men they can emulate?

This is actually a problem. I don’t have any heroes. At times in my life I have wondered who I could go to for guidance on some of the things I was feeling or what was happening to and around me that made me wonder if it was me, was my gender, or was even normal. As a child I learned to research answers in part because I didn’t trust or was not confident enough to approach the sources that were available to me. As much as it hurts to admit, even my older brother failed me as a role model when I needed one. The outcome is that I was raised in a confusing environment where I wondered, constantly, if the thoughts and feelings I went through were appropriate, normal, or even socially acceptable.

On top of this, I have watched as others have decided to raise their children in gender-neutral environments and have been told, in no uncertain terms, that I was not allowed to define for boys what it means to be a boy. As a result, I watch as some of the confusions I felt are being exhibited by other boys (some of whom I am related to). The outcome is, quite honestly, a little stressful as I consider what is good, bad, or otherwise for CAMPER.

One of the things that I found interesting, recently, was Robert Baden-Powell, the founder of the Boy Scout movement, asked Rudyard Kipling if he could use some of the Jungle Book stories in his scout manual to help illustrate for the young men in scouting what it means to be a boy and a grown-up. These stories, beyond anything else, represent courage and self-reliance. They are exactly the kinds of stories I would want to share with CAMPER when he gets old enough. I also want to share fairy tales and books and novels and personal experiences and as a result, I want him to find a whole series of places he can go to not only find men to emulate – to include his grandfather’s and uncles and others, but also to know that I understand what it means to be confused by the very nature of the way society would have us behave.

As a result, I would suggest to the reviewer of the book, as well as others, that we do need stories – even fantastic ones, that help define the qualities and traits of being a man for little boys. We do need to not only define but encourage gender differences. And as a result, we also need to help our little boys channel those differences into healthy and socially acceptable areas that, in turn, allow them to be upstanding and strong members of society.

I don’t know about other people, but I believe CAMPER should have a real sense of what it means to be brave, truthful, and courageous and to that end I will encourage books and stories and experiences that help him define, for himself, what all of that means.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

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Posted By smokingpen on May 18, 2009

I was at work all night. This is pretty typical as 5/7th’s of my week is spent at work between 10 pm and 6:30 am. As a result, for the 8.5 hours times 5 days I spend approximately (paid time) 40 hours and 45 hours at a place I don’t like when I am not being paid. Heck, I didn’t like it before, in a last ditch effort, I applied, they called and interviewed, and I accepted the job. For the most part, the job requires very little of my except for a sturdy back and patience to put things away; however, at times they give off the impression that as an employee I should be dedicating large portions of my life to them. As stated, 5 out of 7 days a week I spend a lot of time in the store.

As a result, I sleep during the day. Except for last Friday when I had to drive to the closest (or one of two closest) Apple stores to get them to confirm that a) my hard drive was dead; and b) I had to pay for a new one. Funny story, I’ve been considering backing up the hard drive for a couple of weeks and finally got around to parking the external drive next to the computer when the hard drive froze, I reset the machine, and I got the white screen of death.

On a positive note, even a couple days later, I only feel good about what happened and that it wasn’t worse. As an aside to that, I have to have two sub-18 page writing samples for the MFA program to them by June 1 and decided to sit down and write out a short story where I also decided to kill the protagonist midway through the story and then proceeded to do so. When I have a chance to revise and have other people read it to offer suggestions I might post it here for people to read FREE. Not that I get a lot of fiction traffic (yet).

Anyway, I am tired. I reset myself to be awake, mostly, during the days. Erin and CAMPER are away, and as a result I was spending some time with the F-i-L this weekend for a couple of reasons, one of which is that I wanted to go kayaking. As a result, actually don’t think this is a cause and effect thing; but, as a result, I was very tired all night and couldn’t see straight half the time. Okay, I could see just fine, I felt very tired.

Now I am home and I am reflecting on the idea that I suddenly feel trapped by my job. It is a nothing job. That’s not why I feel trapped. There are a couple of reasons. First, we have an economy where people are not really hiring and when they do, they get a stack of applications several dozen feet tall and as a result of that the idea, “it’s who you know not what you know,” seems to play into the equation of job hunting. Second, even though I have a bachelor’s degree, an alleged golden ticket, it ain’t getting me anywhere. I guess part of the problem I have comes as a result of hearing some people talk about needing a job, feeling as though they should look in a specific place, and then finding the job lickety-split as though the hand of Providence is interceding in their lives. And there are multiple people who have shared that with me of late; only to have me, in desperation, take a job that barely pays the bills and only because we live with relatives.

You might see why I would feel trapped.

I am grateful for the job – though on the notion of gratitude, I wonder how frequently I should be telling “this place” how grateful I am as the contract between me and them is that I come and do a job and they pay me – but at what point do I get to be more selective (read picky) in this whole experience?

Truth told, I think it is when Erin decides where she is going and what she wants to do. Had we followed me and my desires we’d be in England or somewhere else; and yet, that’s not what Providence or experience or what we need is telling us at the moment. Yes, I get to start a master’s program here in 61 days and I get to send writing samples to the school soon; but at the same time, this doesn’t change the feelings of frustration and entrapment and wonder.

There isn’t really an answer to any of this. It’s an ambiguous situation during an uncertain and tumultuous time with the result that I get to wait, I will probably get to continue working for a place I don’t like, and I get to try and fit in reading, writing, and revising into the picture because I am not, at least at present, the master of my fate.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

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