Also, for those that don’t know, I have started Hollow City :: Science Fiction & Fantasy, a website that will be dedicated to news and information about science fiction and fantasy and will, money willing, be a source of exciting, new short fiction in the genres as well as artwork, commentary, reviews, and more. There isn’t much over there but if you get a chance head on over. And if you know of some forums or websites that focus on this subject matter let me know. I’d love to visit them.

-John

Tomorrow I take the GRE so I can apply to Masters of Library Science programs. I am currently working through the Quantitative section of studying and hope to do well in both Verbal and Quantitative.

In just under a week (now) I head back to Ender’s Island for the next ten days of the Masters of Fine Arts in Creative Writing. That should prove to be fun, interesting. Erin seems to think I am better prepared this time, though admittedly the last time a lot of tragedy was happening all around me and it felt, constantly, that my job might be coming to a sudden and unexpected end. On the positive side, I am not dealing with other people’s tragedies and my job isn’t so tenuous anymore. Now if I can just get a job that pays significantly more life might prove to be a little more bearable.

Real Heroes Fly ]]> http://www.johnhattaway.com/2010/07/trying-to-return-to-something-in-my-past/feed/ 0 http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/10/sticking-a-toe-in-the-water/ http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/10/sticking-a-toe-in-the-water/#comments Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:11:44 +0000 smokingpen http://www.johnhattaway.com/?p=2058 I am not sure I am back . . . to blogging that is.

However, I am preparing to attend my second residency, which also means my second semester in a Masters of Fine Arts in Creative Writing program.

Along with that, I took a series of tests (about eight hours) to certify as a teacher in Massachusetts and after some soul searching and considering changes in my life as well as Erin and CAMPER’s, and am now considering starting (with the current degree) a Masters of Education with an emphasis in Teaching Writing.

I started a new job with a retailer in Loss Prevention. Even though I enjoy the job, I am not certain this is something I want to stick with for any real length of time. On the one hand, they want me there until (at least) the end of the holiday season. On the other hand, I am not sure this is the right thing for me.

With all of that said, I think I’ve got a handful of things I’d like to begin sharing and as a result may start blogging again.

-John

Today is the last day of the first part of the residency. This means Da and the other teachers are heading out, which is a little sad. When people talked about coming and falling in love with the residency they mean it. For example, last night I sat at Michael White’s table and had conversations with people I had not, in the previous four days, bothered to really speak with. The outcome was fun and enjoyable and interesting. Not about writing, and assumption that would make sense, but about life and direction and plans and family. People are interested in all of that AND the writing and as a result the experience seems full and alive and real.

Real is a good word.

I did upload a bunch of pictures to my website I’ve not posted them yet. I hope to do some of that today. What I really want to be able to do is bulk post and truth told I am going to have to individually post. Plus, I went to yesterday’s seminar on Memoir Writing by Sue William Silverman and will have to post a notes update about it as I didn’t (and haven’t) bothered to really post about those yet. And that doesn’t include posts on specific authors, the readings, or the book signings I witnessed the other night that I just feel EVERYONE should see.

All in all, a great experience. And all under 450 words.

Real Heroes Fly ]]> http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/07/early-morning-post-in-500-words-or-less-i-hope/feed/ 0 http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/06/searching-for-a-state-of-equilibrium/ http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/06/searching-for-a-state-of-equilibrium/#comments Thu, 25 Jun 2009 00:07:48 +0000 smokingpen http://www.johnhattaway.com/?p=1901 I’ve found that some of the things I want to be doing compared to many of the things I need to be doing have kept me out of a state of equilibrium for some time. Months. I like the idea of writing blog entries and have noted that the number of hits I receive a month is directly proportional to the number of posts I publish. On top of which, my search rankings are lower when I don’t update as frequently. I would imagine, when I get to a state of popularity from publishing or some such that the direct outcome will be a lot of people intentionally searching for me and clicking through my website which will result in the ability to be lazier and still have traffic; however, at the moment, if I want traffic I have to do what is required to get that traffic.

Since I am not doing what is necessary I am writing about the why not.

In this case I find I have several things that sit, in some stage or another, on my metaphorical plate (I actually dislike the analogy). I have family, professional, educational, and obligations to self that all require a piece of my time. My family, and by that I am defining family as Erin and CAMPER, require individual attention and time. I cannot just assume that by spending time with CAMPER while Erin is in proximity that I have sufficiently spent time with her. As a result, I find myself making time for both my wife and child and making sure I spend time with them.

Along with family resposibilities I have work responsibilities. To some extent these overlap in that I am the provider and have to work to make money so that we can afford to pay bills and buy food. Previously to my current job I was working at Wal-Mart (formerly “this place“) on the graveyard shift. Because of that, I slept during the day, didn’t really care to be awake on the weekends though I chose to alter my sleeping habits to, again, spend time with my family. As a result of not being awake when Erin and CAMPER were, I looked for and found another position where I work during the day and can now sleep at night. This is better but at the same time I have to give away some of my day to a commute that equals about three hours of time. I am in a better position than I was with Wal-Mart, but still searching for a state of equilibrium.

Along with family and work I have responsibilities to my degree – specifically a Master’s of Fine Arts in Writing. This program requires me to spend quite a few hours a day writing and reading and revising and writing and revising and reading and etc. and etc. with the outcome. Granted, everything gets to be set aside in about twenty-five days for ten days where I will be nicely sequestered on an island at a Franciscan Retreat Center talking about writing. After the retreat and residency I will have to find time (that may not exist) to write and read and revise and make sure that my novel actually does get written and revised and made ready for publication.

Finally, I have responsibilities to myself. I think this is the least defined as I want to spend time with Erin and CAMPER and I want to go to school and I need to (and to some extent want to) go to work. Along with all of that I need to start taking care of my body so that my IBS doesn’t get worse. The doctor think Yoga and meditation will help and Erin is currently looking for a Yoga class on a Saturday that I can start attend and that we can afford.

The outcome to all of this is not that I don’t realize what is needed or wanted or necessary, but that I haven’t found the magic combination of time and management and energy that will allow me to find the state of equilibrium that will also allow me to spend a few minutes (or more) updating the blog and making sure I expand my readership rather than have people who get here from Erin’s website or by spending some time searching for something like Assateague Island or Roommate Etiquette or the White Screen of Death on my Macbook.

Real Heroes Fly ]]> http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/06/searching-for-a-state-of-equilibrium/feed/ 0 http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/06/the-fall-from-grace/ http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/06/the-fall-from-grace/#comments Sat, 06 Jun 2009 20:51:09 +0000 smokingpen http://www.johnhattaway.com/?p=1890 Which, interestingly, might be the title of a book I write at some point. However, not really the point in all of this.

Some years ago I discovered an author (I will not be sharing any names) and the author’s work. I became quickly enamored of the writing and found myself following the individual both online and reading whatever was published. Heck, even before I discovered the author I’d been to a book signing for one of my (many) brothers because he didn’t want to go and stand in line for hours. I think for the four or five hours I was there I made about $20.00 got a couple of books signed, dropped them off in the opposite direction of where I lived, and found myself less than pleased with the quality of person that is this authors primary fan base

It took me a couple of years to start reading any of the books. In fact, I was living in New Hampshire and had developed a new group of acquaintances (eventually this group would fall apart and I would move, meet this hot chick, and get married to her) and as a result of the group started reading this author. One of the things that appealed to me, early one, was the amount of time that was spent on talking about his children. I was impressed and continued to follow. Admittedly, I do like the written works of this author but as I’ve followed the blog and personal life I’ve discovered I don’t want to be that involved or that interested in another person’s personal life.

What was impressive to me was the silence about the spouse. The spouse had asked to remain out of the internet life and (most likely) the public appearances life and as a result the author agreed. Until not too long ago when it was announced, by the author, that they were separated, had been for about five years, and that a divorce was imminent or filed for or recently completed. At that point I realized I’d gotten too familiar with someone and I’ve only briefly, and once I might add (against my better judgement), met the individual. For me, this was too much. Website, books, media appearances, Web2.0 applications and all of that have made it difficult for me to no longer enjoy the simplicity and wit and sarcasm that comes from somene who has been where I want to be, done what I want to do, been successful at it, and, for all intents and purposes, still was able to maintain a family.

The piece of straw that finally broke me? The author announced that a new love interest had entered the picture and as a result of that and a broken home and feeling like I’d breached some imaginary wall of confidentiality (something I wouldn’t want anyone to breach), I am no longer interested in the webspace or news and have found that I am less interested in the books.

With all of that out of the way, familiarity does bread contempt and at the moment I feel contempt. I feel it toward a large group of authors who all seem to rotate in the same circles and reinforce each other as “exceptional” authors when, as I work my way through individual works or even examples of individual work, I find that many lack in ways that make the group as a whole less in my eyes.

I think that the closer I get to achieving what I want, the harder it is to look at people who have been there and done that and not see the flaws. And that means the flaw is probably as much in me as them. I don’t know the entire story. I don’t know these people personally. I just know that I am reticent to want to be successful if success then leads to failures in other places.

Now that that is off my chest, it is time to move forward. 43 days to MFA residency. YAY!!!

Real Heroes Fly ]]> http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/06/the-fall-from-grace/feed/ 0 http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/05/goodbye-friend/ http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/05/goodbye-friend/#comments Mon, 25 May 2009 13:33:16 +0000 smokingpen http://www.johnhattaway.com/?p=1873 Over the weekend Erin, CAMPER, and I went to a memorial service for a friend of mine. No, he wasn’t my age. In fact, he was in his 80′s or 90′s and was someone I expected to pass on, due to complications in his health, several years ago. I expected, regardless of where I was in the world, that I would put everything aside for a few days and head to New Hampshire to offer my condolences to his widow and participate, even if only at the back of the service, in whatever funeral or memorial was planned. As a result, when I was told he had severe internal bleeding I realized the time was close. A few days after the internal bleeding I was informed he was dead and a few days later told when the memorial service would be held.

Goodbye, Robert.

Robert was one of those people everyone claims they want to know and yet, no one wants to go out of their way to know. He had a lot of very real, very thought out, and in some cases, very offensive opinions. One of the things he believed in was the Constitution of the United States and as a result – and like many others – was enamored of the Second Ammendment, the right to bear arms.

When I moved to New Hampshire with my friends and their children, I didn’t know anyone. I quickly learned that being in New Hampshire could be considered a mistake not because I was there but because I was there alone. Sure, I had friends, but the truth of the matter was (and is) that if anything went sour or south I would be on my own and I didn’t have much (or any) of a backup plan. The outcome was taking a poor paying job, praying for the future, and hoping that as time passed I would find myself in a better situation.

As a result, Robert and Laverne, his wife, were the people that decided to try and fellowship me. It actually started, one day, when I noted Robert putting in a hearing aid and then adjusting it with a separate remote. Truth is, he had several hearing aids for different purposes and the one that had the remote was for listening to people speak. He had another one for music and the result of all of that was me being able to tease him about turning it off on a whim when he was done listening, which he did on occasion.

When it became clear, after about a year, that I wasn’t going to be in New Hampshire any more Robert decided that I needed a proper education. He was a well read man and as stated he had his own opinions on government, politics, news, books, education, and more. So, I agreeed to drive out to his house once a week on Saturday’s for a lesson and homework assignment that dealt with his opinions on the direction of the country, ethnicities, the constitution and laws, and more. It was an interesting experience and over the course of (probably) three months I learned a lot about how Robert worked, thought, and I could see how someone would strongly disagree with the man about almost everything.

As that time was coming to an end and I was preparing to move to finish my undergraduate, Laverne took me aside one day and said, “I wanted to thank you for coming out here and listening to Robert. You may not agree with every he had to say, but he needed to share that with someone and his own sons won’t listen to him.” I smiled and gave her a hug and that was pretty much that.

The thing that made Robert such a wonderful person wasn’t his opinions on government or laws or races or ethnicities or a lot of other things I disagree with. What made him special and is that he was sincere in his desire to live standards he knew were important. When I say he and his wife befriended me, they did. They touched my life and adopted me in a way that I needed and was not over-bearing. They were friends when I needed friendship and couldn’t find it anywhere else. They were people who encouraged me, even though the things I was doing may not have seemed logical or even feesable given age and experience. They were also the people who introduced me to the inhuman treatment of lobstah (and who helped me realize I don’t like that kind of seafood).

After his death I was told Robert decided to be cremated. Not a decision I would make, but also something that completely fit his personality.

The trip was worth it. We woke up early, got ready, grabbed CAMPER, and headed off. We got to listen to people say a lot of nice things about Robert and then give our condolensces to Laverne and his two boys. It was a wondeful day that ended with me feeling more tired, more drained, and more emotionally taxed than I realized was happening.

Robert was definitely someone I needed to know and someone I will miss.

Until we meet again, Robert.

Real Heroes Fly ]]> http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/05/goodbye-friend/feed/ 0 http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/05/on-being-boys/ http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/05/on-being-boys/#comments Tue, 19 May 2009 23:39:12 +0000 smokingpen http://www.johnhattaway.com/?p=1867 I think one of the biggest disservices this generation will be tried for in the court of history is the disservice we give to our little boys. In a period of not so many years, we have moved from a position where we treat and teach boys to be boys to a practice where we attempt to nurture the nature out of them and in turn cause them to be more like little girls. Is it any wonder that more and more children are on mood altering drugs and anti-depressants. What’s more, I can guarantee you that all youth oriented shootings are connected with the use of Ritalin and other medications because people don’t know how to treat little boys.

There are differences between men and women, boys and girls.

This becomes even more important and Erin and I try to do what is right AND best for CAMPER – a little boy. As a result, Erin has been reading books on raising little boys because (in case you weren’t aware of this) she’s never been one and doesn’t understand them. Because she is interested in, and concerned about, making sure CAMPER is raised the correct way, we are also concerned with knowing what activities and behaviors are specific to little boys. One of the key ingredients to being a little boy is testosterone and one of the results of testosterone production is aggressive behavior. The outcome is that we can expect that our son will exhibit, in some fashion or another, aggressive behavior. This has already been evidenced in some of his behaviors as he’s learned to sit on his own and play with toys: he throws things, hard, and he throws himself to the ground. Because he is a little boy, this is not (necessarily) dangerous behavior, it is behavior we have to expect and watch for as we have him in different places and positions from his bed to our bed to the changing table to sitting on our laps.

Boys, as the old saying goes, will be boys.

One of the books Erin has been reading, and that I’ve picked up and started reading, is titled: The Wonder of Boys by Michael Gurian. In this book he identifies, as a result of his work, three things every little boy needs to grow up to be a man. They are being brave, truthful, and good.

What I find amazing about this is that society would tell us to ignore these traits and attempt to raise little boys like we would little girls, give them dolls to play with, stifle the natural energies, and in the end stop them from becoming what evolution and biology have dictated they need to be. Rather than attempting to harness the natural exuberance and energy of little boys into appropriate behaviors by teaching them proper outlets, we teach them that the feelings and energies and behaviors are inappropriate and by extension wrong. In short, we are more kind to little girls than to little boys and we stress that little boys are inherently wrong by being born with the XY chromosome pairing.

One reason why this is important (today) is a news article I read and skimmed through over at YAHOO! News: Author’s tales of manly men a little too macho. The title, which is one of the reasons I read the article, presupposes that by representing an ideal of what men are supposed to be, this is somehow causing a diservice to boys. The article doesn’t refute that statement and supports in a couple of places. Instead of talking about the collection of (mostly) true stories, the reviewer really feels that this book is unecessary. And yet, I ask, where do our little boys look to find examples of upstanding men they can emulate?

This is actually a problem. I don’t have any heroes. At times in my life I have wondered who I could go to for guidance on some of the things I was feeling or what was happening to and around me that made me wonder if it was me, was my gender, or was even normal. As a child I learned to research answers in part because I didn’t trust or was not confident enough to approach the sources that were available to me. As much as it hurts to admit, even my older brother failed me as a role model when I needed one. The outcome is that I was raised in a confusing environment where I wondered, constantly, if the thoughts and feelings I went through were appropriate, normal, or even socially acceptable.

On top of this, I have watched as others have decided to raise their children in gender-neutral environments and have been told, in no uncertain terms, that I was not allowed to define for boys what it means to be a boy. As a result, I watch as some of the confusions I felt are being exhibited by other boys (some of whom I am related to). The outcome is, quite honestly, a little stressful as I consider what is good, bad, or otherwise for CAMPER.

One of the things that I found interesting, recently, was Robert Baden-Powell, the founder of the Boy Scout movement, asked Rudyard Kipling if he could use some of the Jungle Book stories in his scout manual to help illustrate for the young men in scouting what it means to be a boy and a grown-up. These stories, beyond anything else, represent courage and self-reliance. They are exactly the kinds of stories I would want to share with CAMPER when he gets old enough. I also want to share fairy tales and books and novels and personal experiences and as a result, I want him to find a whole series of places he can go to not only find men to emulate – to include his grandfather’s and uncles and others, but also to know that I understand what it means to be confused by the very nature of the way society would have us behave.

As a result, I would suggest to the reviewer of the book, as well as others, that we do need stories – even fantastic ones, that help define the qualities and traits of being a man for little boys. We do need to not only define but encourage gender differences. And as a result, we also need to help our little boys channel those differences into healthy and socially acceptable areas that, in turn, allow them to be upstanding and strong members of society.

I don’t know about other people, but I believe CAMPER should have a real sense of what it means to be brave, truthful, and courageous and to that end I will encourage books and stories and experiences that help him define, for himself, what all of that means.

Real Heroes Fly ]]> http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/05/on-being-boys/feed/ 0 http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/05/fatigue-and-feeling-trapped/ http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/05/fatigue-and-feeling-trapped/#comments Mon, 18 May 2009 11:35:34 +0000 smokingpen http://www.johnhattaway.com/?p=1865 I was at work all night. This is pretty typical as 5/7th’s of my week is spent at work between 10 pm and 6:30 am. As a result, for the 8.5 hours times 5 days I spend approximately (paid time) 40 hours and 45 hours at a place I don’t like when I am not being paid. Heck, I didn’t like it before, in a last ditch effort, I applied, they called and interviewed, and I accepted the job. For the most part, the job requires very little of my except for a sturdy back and patience to put things away; however, at times they give off the impression that as an employee I should be dedicating large portions of my life to them. As stated, 5 out of 7 days a week I spend a lot of time in the store.

As a result, I sleep during the day. Except for last Friday when I had to drive to the closest (or one of two closest) Apple stores to get them to confirm that a) my hard drive was dead; and b) I had to pay for a new one. Funny story, I’ve been considering backing up the hard drive for a couple of weeks and finally got around to parking the external drive next to the computer when the hard drive froze, I reset the machine, and I got the white screen of death.

On a positive note, even a couple days later, I only feel good about what happened and that it wasn’t worse. As an aside to that, I have to have two sub-18 page writing samples for the MFA program to them by June 1 and decided to sit down and write out a short story where I also decided to kill the protagonist midway through the story and then proceeded to do so. When I have a chance to revise and have other people read it to offer suggestions I might post it here for people to read FREE. Not that I get a lot of fiction traffic (yet).

Anyway, I am tired. I reset myself to be awake, mostly, during the days. Erin and CAMPER are away, and as a result I was spending some time with the F-i-L this weekend for a couple of reasons, one of which is that I wanted to go kayaking. As a result, actually don’t think this is a cause and effect thing; but, as a result, I was very tired all night and couldn’t see straight half the time. Okay, I could see just fine, I felt very tired.

Now I am home and I am reflecting on the idea that I suddenly feel trapped by my job. It is a nothing job. That’s not why I feel trapped. There are a couple of reasons. First, we have an economy where people are not really hiring and when they do, they get a stack of applications several dozen feet tall and as a result of that the idea, “it’s who you know not what you know,” seems to play into the equation of job hunting. Second, even though I have a bachelor’s degree, an alleged golden ticket, it ain’t getting me anywhere. I guess part of the problem I have comes as a result of hearing some people talk about needing a job, feeling as though they should look in a specific place, and then finding the job lickety-split as though the hand of Providence is interceding in their lives. And there are multiple people who have shared that with me of late; only to have me, in desperation, take a job that barely pays the bills and only because we live with relatives.

You might see why I would feel trapped.

I am grateful for the job – though on the notion of gratitude, I wonder how frequently I should be telling “this place” how grateful I am as the contract between me and them is that I come and do a job and they pay me – but at what point do I get to be more selective (read picky) in this whole experience?

Truth told, I think it is when Erin decides where she is going and what she wants to do. Had we followed me and my desires we’d be in England or somewhere else; and yet, that’s not what Providence or experience or what we need is telling us at the moment. Yes, I get to start a master’s program here in 61 days and I get to send writing samples to the school soon; but at the same time, this doesn’t change the feelings of frustration and entrapment and wonder.

There isn’t really an answer to any of this. It’s an ambiguous situation during an uncertain and tumultuous time with the result that I get to wait, I will probably get to continue working for a place I don’t like, and I get to try and fit in reading, writing, and revising into the picture because I am not, at least at present, the master of my fate.

Real Heroes Fly ]]> http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/05/fatigue-and-feeling-trapped/feed/ 0 http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/05/funky-experience/ http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/05/funky-experience/#comments Mon, 04 May 2009 23:51:00 +0000 smokingpen http://www.johnhattaway.com/?p=1855 Because I work at night I sleep during the day. Generally, given what time I go to bed, I sleep all day and wake up about the point where the sun is going down. Someone might connect this with being a vampire – heck, the service manager for overnights makes that connection frequently, but the truth is, I work nights and have to sleep at some point which means I sleep during the day.

Today’s period of sleep was occupied by just that. This isn’t interesting or important. Everyone needs X hours of sleep and when you get less things start to slow down. Take Sunday night and Monday morning for instance. The amount of sleep I got was less than what I wanted or needed and as a result, I was dragging. Sure, the night went by relatively fast, but that was as much a result of doing work that should’ve been done by co-workers the two previous nights than because I was really awake and with it. Sunday nights and Monday mornings have that effect on me.

No, what is important in my sleep period is that I went to sleep and it was like I was somewhere else entirely. I can’t tell you where as I don’t really remember the dreaming or where I was or even what I was doing; but rather, when I was woken up I was so disoriented with being in bed and having Erin right there that I kind of freaked myself out. Seriously, I was somewhere else and then jerked back into reality. It was weird. If I was one of the Wachowski brothers I’d probably chalk this up to being inside of the Matrix and suddenly having the software program reset on me or something. Granted, I am no Mr. Anderson, nor Neo, but I a Mr. Hattaway and Smokingpen and so, maybe some variant on Morpheus or the computer interface is trying to share something with me.

Probably not.

I mean, we all need to sleep. Sleep is essential not only for proper brain activity but also so that our bodies produces the appropriate amount of hormones and chemicals and run all ship-shape. We have to sleep to remain sane. The list of things a lack of sleep or consistently not getting enough sleep can cause is pretty impressive, and disturbing, and calls into question the Wachowski brother’s sanity and the amount of sleep they collectively get. In short, sleep is necessary and I was getting it.

What I am actually sure of is that I hit an REM state of sleep, it was probably necessary and something I’d not really been in for an extended period of time in a couple or few days, and as a result all of the data my brain needed to filter through and move from short term and temporary memory into long term and stored memory had to take place. As a result of that and how our minds all work, I was magically transported off to some place I can’t remember and don’t recall and the mere act of being waked up caused me to freak out a little because I didn’t expect to open my eyes in bed in the office in the loft in the house we are currently living in.

I will stop there. I’ve rambled long enough.

Real Heroes Fly ]]> http://www.johnhattaway.com/2009/05/funky-experience/feed/ 0