Well, I finally (last night) listened to (almost) the entirety of the LDS General Conference that was broadcast a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t listen/watch it when it was happening because a) the cable company around here doesn’t carry it; and b) I couldn’t be bothered with my sleep/awake schedule. Well, and c) I didn’t really realize it was happening as my life is kind of all screwy-wampus. Normally, I like to make time for it, sit and watch or listen, and try to be in the right frame of mind.

And with that, I think I hit on the point of my life: frame of mind.

I hate to admit this, but I have been struggling rather a lot lately with the idea of religion and God and even my own personal faith. My struggle isn’t in whether or not religion is good or bad, the answer is good, in case you were wondering; or even if there is or isn’t a God, again, my answer is there is. But rather what does my faith and belief require in respect to both. I know that over time, and especially in the past couple of years, I’ve come to realize that the way in which we live religion (in general) in the United States is so Puritan based that I am surprised at the disparate religions that claim everyone else is going to hell as a result of their individual beliefs or practices. Yes, I think there are some off-shoots sects of different religions that are so off the beaten path and, in general, those who lead those sects are going to hell; but for the most part, I disagree with the idea that we are all so different as to be insurmountably on opposite ends of anything.

Maybe that is a little bit of a tangent. I guess one of the core questions I’ve been dealing with is: How would this religion be practiced if it weren’t for the Puritan influence? This question can actually be extended to the United States as a whole and how our form of government would be practiced if it wasn’t for the founding father’s and their faith in a higher Christian-based being.

Part of my struggle comes from having removed myself from the full-time workforce for three years, taking the odd freelance job, and going to school and working at different things. As much as I would like to think that having a degree means a whole lot, and there was a time when the combination of degree and experience regardless of order would’ve gotten me hired almost immediately regardless of where I was at, it appears to mean a whole lot less. For the first time in my work-search history, I am not even getting nibbles back as I apply to different places. The result is a job that makes me seriously underemployed and causes me, almost nightly, to wonder what it is I am doing. I had a friend, when asked what I was doing with my time, that I told where I was working who said, “A lot of people wouldn’t do that,” and then said, “You are doing what you need to be doing.” The context of those comments are that I am doing what I can to take care of my wife and child and as a result of both of those things, we are moving forward.

In the process of all of that, I am also pursuing a Master’s of Fine Arts in Writing. Yes, I was accepted and except for waiting for the official letter to get to me that is in turn waiting for letters of recommendation and transcripts from various places and people, I am a little anxious to get started down that road. I discovered, since I graduated and got my degree, that I miss being in school. I miss that environment. Though my current program is low-residency, I am still excited for the interaction with other students trying to improve and accomplish their goals.

And yet, it is the whole goal thing that (sort of) puts me in the situation I am in now. At one point, Erin and I thought we would move, get a job with a defense contractor, work and go to school, and in a few years see where all of that took us. We were thinking that our lives were ready to being (though, the notion that they were ever stopped is somewhat odd) and that we would find success. What we found was that people who claimed they would interview me didn’t, companies and organizations that were supposed to hire me didn’t, and as a result, when things started to get really bleak, I ended up punting and taking a job somewhere I never thought I’d work.

My life is flipped upside down. There is no other way to say that. Having a bachelors degree should, in theory, do something for me. It’s nice to tell people I have one. This makes me a part of a club that, honestly, only a very small percentage of the population is a member of. Being a part of that club doesn’t make me (or anyone else for that matter) a better candidate for a position. What’s more, I am willing to pay for my move to wherever I need to go and even though there are places I would prefer not to move, I am open to moving anywhere in the United States that will give me a job and allow me to have the right kind of time with my wife and child.

Last night, as I was listening to General Conference, I discovered that there are people who have had it worse off than me. I’ve even had it worse off than me. Weird. I am sure. But it is true. I have had experiences that have been worse than what I am in now. At least I was able to get a job this go round. At least that job is helping to pay for things. At least I am accepted into a new graduate program. At least I don’t have to stay awake at night wondering when the reaper is going to come and take everything else away. The last time I experienced this flavor of life I lost everything. I thought that was what I needed to learn. I thought the lack of materialism was enough to allow me to advance and not need this kind of an experience again. I thought that finally listening and getting a degree was what would put me past the previous incarnation of this situation and allow me to advance in my life.

I guess I thought a lot of things.

This time is different, in part, because I have a wife and a child. I didn’t have those before. I didn’t know the infinite capacity of love that comes with marriage and a family. I didn’t know that we would end up needing and wanting to do a lot more things in life, in general, to make sure the family progressed in a way that was both good and uplifitng and sometimes embarassing. Yet, that is exactly what is happening. I have discovered the changes in me as a result of the necessary changes in my life and in Erin’s life and in CAMPER’s life and how they all mesh together.

I am still looking for jobs all over the place. Though, more recently, I am thinking that maybe I should be focussing (again) in areas that allow me to advance toward my goals. I want to write. I want to write fiction. There is no secret to that. I have a few reasons to believe that I might have some talent in that whole fiction writing things. I also want to work in academia. Both Erin and I know that will take some time and effort on both our parts to ensure that happens. On the positive side, having an MFA-Writing and being published qualifies me to teach at the college level. The MFA-Writing qualifies me to teach at the college level. That is the next step, after the degree.

Stepping back some, I discovered that people don’t always share similar beliefs. Just because we all share a similar religion doesn’t mean we all share similar beliefs. Nor does it mean that the religion is enough to bind a group of people together. As many times as I have moved in my life, and as many times as I’ve changed congregations within the religion I belong to, I’ve never experienced a problem so disparately awkward as this one. Frequently, I end up in church where the possibility of someone saying something so completely off the wall is so real that I wonder how I am going to make it through church without overtly and intentionally offending people. Working nights doesn’t help with the filter. But to find out that when the prophet speaks, and if it doesn’t directly affect one’s job – even theoretically, then it is okay to believe and speak out for what the prophet has said. Case-in-point: gay marriage. Even before the Church came out against I was opposed to it. Why? Because I don’t b believe a group of people have the right to dictate or determine universal ethical considerations or what constitutes Civil Rights or for that matter what constitutes Constitutional Rights. More, I think that our laws need to reflect the changes in the times to also reflect that the courts cannot change them only guide how they should be written. The interpretation of a law is not the right to dictate what the law is meant to do. As a result of this and more, from a political perspective, I have my own opinions.

What catches me off guard, frequently, is that we are expected to stand up for our testimonies and for what we believe in. We are required to place our jobs and our lives on the line. We are required to allow those creature comforts we all cherish to go away when God requires it of us – especially once the individual has gone through the Temple. But that is not the concensus of the group after a discussion on persecution.

No one wants to be persecuted. I don’t. My family doesn’t. I am pretty certain that early members of the LDS faith would’ve been just as happy to have avoided the persecution. No one wants to walk into the fire to get burned, and yet, when you live up to whatever standards are important to you, sooner or later you are going to walk into the fire and you are going to get burned.

One of the issues with faith and religion I’ve had, recently, is that a lot of people aren’t willing to walk into the fire, let alone near it. They are not really wanting to live their religion and by extension, I guess this is in part true of me. I am willing to stand between someone, anyone, and a man with a loaded gun; I will push people out of the way of an oncoming vehicle, I will defend my life or family from a lot of things, and yet, when it comes to the day to day requriements of religious living, I may be like everyone else. I don’t want to go to activities, I like the idea of going to church on Sunday, but never bother to remember there was a General Conference, I am happy to be a part of a quorum, but don’t really want to be bothered to drive an hour in each direction for a much larger general priesthood meeting… you get the idea. I like being a part of the religion, I also don’t want to be a part of every aspect of the religion.

I am not saying this is good or bad. Everyone has to live their faith the way they deem best. I do  that. I would hope that my parents and parents-in-law and my wife and even my child (someday) will do it. I hope that they reflect on what is important to them and move forward.

I think, one of the issues for me came as a result of my personal wrestle with what i want to do and what the church may require of me. If I am to be worthy to serve in any capacity I am asked, then I have to have me public persona reflect what my private religious persona requires. The outcome was that I decided that my priorities (in no particular ored) are writing and family and then church. Fiction is such an important aspect of my life that it becomes a priority. What I want to write becomes a higher priority than, say, where I might be called to serve. If the two can marry each other, someday, then I am happy with that; however, I had to decide that what I want and need to write, the subjects I want and need to explore, had to be important to me or I had to give up on them. If what I had practiced and prepared for almost my entire life was to be worth it, I had to allow it to be worth it to me. I had to trust that I wasn’t focused in the wrong area or for the wrong reason.

I am not saying God is not important. I am saying that, like an author I follow, recently said, “My priorities are writing and family.” For him, nothing else matters. That is, somehow, where I land.

Since family is important working is important and religion is important. I believe it is imperative to believe in and trust in a supreme deity. I believe faith in God is tantamount to successful living and that faith in God not only explains but informs creation and science and literature and existence. Believe or don’t believe. Just be who or what you are going to be.

I am not sure, in listening to conference or writing this, that I have changed where I am or what I am doing or where my focus is going to be. I want to be able to serve and at the same time I don’t believe I am going to be asked to serve. One of the speakers (Saturday Afternoon most likely) gave examples of what happens when people start to fail and have failed or broken expectations. The outcome is that the expecatation becomes less and the failure becomes deeper until the individual suffers from depression or a lack of religious belief. I know that depression has been an issue. I know that my faith and belief have been affected. I know that my experience in Utah during the last couple of years was bad news as I kept asking for the chance to serve and being told that they knew I needed it and not being given the chance or opportunity.

Life is what we make of it. My expectations are what they are. I expect to be published. I have some desires and goals in that area. I won’t share those. I also expect to go with my wife to the temple. To someday see my boy go through the temple. I expect to serve where I can and, today and tomorrow, have no expectations that I will ever be asked to be more than a Primary teacher with my wife.

I hope for a job that is conducive to let me go to school; and I hope for a job in academia. Recently, I applied to be an admissions councilor. I think I should buy a book that lists all the universities and colleges in the United States and apply to anything I am qualified for at every single one of them.

Being smart and talented and experienced doesn’t mean I am going to be employed. And knowing how to fix a problem doesn’t mean anyone is going to ask me to or even listen when I open my mouth.

No, I think much of what existed yesterday still exists today. I also think that I have a little more hope and a bit more faith in the process and I continue to pray that I will find something somewhere soon that gets Erin and me out of the situation we are in now.

Enough rambling. On to other things.

Real Heroes Fly