I think it is time that I announce to the world my new passion in life. I am going to become a Utah Bigfoot Hunter. Yup, you heard me correctly, I am now dedicating my life to the hunt for bigfoot in the Utah mountain ranges.
Why?
Well, I was reading an article in the Daily Universe, the poorly written and poorly researched student newspaper on campus, that discussed some of the great hikes in Utah County. What did I get out of this article? Two things:
First, that Utah has the 11th highest number of sighting of bigfoot with most of those sightings taking place in mountainous regions of the state, with those taking place along the Wasatch-Cache national forest from American Fork Canyon to Mt. Nebo to Logan.
Second, in support of the existence of sasquatch or bigfoot or yeti or really big smelly ugly creatures, Brigham Young once said that the Gadianton Robbers once inhabited this area and their spirits still dwelt in the area trying to convince the members of the LDS faith that their faith is wrong.
When I sat down to look at the occurrences of bigfoot sightings in Utah I discovered the Utah UFO Hunters website and the Utah Bigfoot Hunters website. I would imagine the august and austere organizations are completely legitimate and focused on discovering the truth behind UFO and mythical creature sightings.
Another reason to stop my life’s dreams and pursue writing and publishing is the descriptions used:
- large humanoid, muscular, heavy
- very agile, elusive, intelligent
- taller than an average man (seven to eaight feet)
- covered with long brown or auburn hair (or white in the case of the Yeti) – color varies
- a strong repugnant odor
- large feet, as evidenced by castings of footprints – ranging from three to five toes
- psychic and telepathic abilities
- the ability to disappear or instantly blend in with its surroundings
(NOTE: Visit the original list here.)
Look at that list. What more evidence do you need? Especially since the Utah Bigfoot Investsigators know, without ever actually encountering, speaking with, seeing, or testing, that Bigfoot or Sasquatch or Yeti have psychic and telepathic powers. These are dangerous beasts, here, folks, and they need to be dealt with immediately. They need to be discovered. Imagine what allowing these creatures out in the wild could do to our animals, our pets, livestock, children, and house cats. Everyone is in danger the longer bigfoot goes undiscovered.
And that we know it is also intelligent as evidenced by it being elusive AND by people only catching quick glimpses of the beast as it disappears into the woods. People can make castings of the feet, which is great, because it means we have some evidence of its existence as well as hair samples. I mean, seriously folks, nothing else out in the world leaves brown or amber hair behind on trees. Especially during rutting season when Moose and Elk and Deer are trying to get the felt off of their antlers and scratch them against trees or they brushed too close to a tree or other object and left something behind.
Nope, the most logical and the simplest explanation of hair and imprints are not animals, bears, moose, and others, but rather a living breathing, intelligent and psychically telepathic and as all of these are true, then the existence of bigfoot must also be true because no other explanation is acceptable or fills in all of the physical evidence left behind.
As if that was not enough, President Spencer Kimball in his book Miracle of Forgiveness relates a story about one of the early apostles of the LDS church who had someone that resembled the description of bigfoot suddenly walking next to him and indicated that his role on the earth was to destroy the souls of men and could not die. This is solid evidence, folks, about Sasquatch, the doctrine behind the beast, and the fact that it not only exists but that it is out to get you. It wants to destroy the very core of who you are, your soul.
Yup, I am now dedicated to the cause of not only finding but eradicating bigfoot from Utah, the western United States, and, eventually, from the whole Earth. In order to do this, I am sure finding a University that teaches credible courses in xenobiology and mythical creature detection and apprehension would be a positive first step. I will, of course, have to give up the degree I am working on here and take some rather intensive coursework from a new institution. Which means that my wife and child will get to be ignored as I defend them from something that is clearly real and clearly out there and clearly able to not only hurt but destroy my family.
Now you know, I am now dedicated to finding bigfoot. Donations and letters of support are appreciated and with all of your help I hope to eliminate this threat to society and to our moral health.
John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West
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