Apparently, there is a spider that gets in your house, is wicked big, and doesn’t do anything except for hide and kill other spiders and insects that are stupid enough to encroach upon their territory. They only come out at night, they hunt, and then before you are awake, they go back to their hidey hold and don’t come out again until the next night for hunting and roaming. Sounds like a boring life, but who am I to talk as I prefer to spend most of my time in solitary confinement and with my wife and without the distractions of the world and people around me. So, maybe said spider and I are a lot like.

Except, yesterday morning Erin and her brother were eating breakfast in the front room as Erin was getting ready for a drive to Centerville and while I was showering. Once I was done Erin said, “You have to come and see this,” ambiguous, yes, but intriguing, so I wrap a towel around my body, do a Samoan wrap tie to it (not an official name I am sure) and then stop in the entry to our front room. Erin says, “Do you see it?”

“See what?”

“It’s there on your power cord.” The power cord is white.

And there, on the power cord is a big black blob. Apparently, without thinking, Erin thought it was her hair clip that spends a lot of time on the floor for who knows what reason, and was going to pick it up before she really looked at it. When she did, it was a GIANT FREAKING SPIDER with the body size of a quarter. Sucker was HUGE!

If you want to see an illustration of the spider and read more about what we think it is then follow this link and you can see for yourself. I am sure, if Erin gets around to it, that she will put pictures of it up somewhere.

After I looked at the spider, Erin’s brother had a Tupperware he wanted to trap it in. I told him not to do that (big spider) and got the vacuum and sucked it up. Think several thunking noises as it bounced around the inside of the vacuum, very quickly, and was unceremoniously deposited into the bottom of the dust recepticle, which is clear, dead.

Not really sure what Erin’s brother was planning to do with the spider. I know that I would’ve thrown the plastic container away rather than use it, and I have no problem using washed plastic containers that have been dual purposed for a lot of different things – not that our plastic containers are ever dual purposed, I am just saying.

I did ask if they intended to invest in a terrarium so they could feed and grow and watch the spider get larger and larger and eventually try to EAT the hand that was feeding it. Okay. I didn’t go into that much detail, just asked about the terrarium. I think the outcome was that the spider would just slowly die for coming into the house.

On the plus side, having a spider in your house is a good sign. It means no termites. Which also means the chances of having common brown worms in the soil on the outside of the house is pretty good as worms and termites (and apparently spiders and termites) don’t inhabit the same spaces. They don’t play nice together.

It also means that the chances of us having smaller spiders (or having had) in the house was pretty good, too, as this beast is a hunter and spiders will eat other spiders.

However, I don’t like spiders. They make me scream like a little girl if I see them unexpectedly and they are in my space. Back in 2003 I pulled on a pair of pants and had a common brown spider sitting in the crotch of my pants. INSIDE the pants. Right where the legs come together. I dropped the pants and swore and screamed for several minutes as I totally eviscerated that spider and made it wish it had never been born, as it’s life ended right then and there.

I don’t like roaches either, but can at least conform to some level of rationality when it comes to dealing with them. Spiders. Not so much. If they are pointed out to me or if I see them in their natural habitat I still have to push down the urge to run and scream and beat them to a miserable pulp, but I am somewhat normal. Now, yesterday, I saw a spider. I calmly got the vacuum. I calmly sucked the sucker into oblivion, and I calmly finished getting dressed, took the canister to the garbage can, and calmly dumped it inside. Calmly. I have witnesses.

However, consider the likes of Charlotte’s Web. A childhood classic. You would think this cute story of talking animals all out to defend and save the life of a simple pig would be a great story. My children may, someday, want to hear that story, and yet, I don’t like it – or the movie. They weird me out. The spider is gross.

In places where spiders are kept for sale or display (and yes, I’ve been in pet stores with spiders in them) I have to control the flight or fight response that leaps up inside of me. Interestingly enough, centipedes in these places and other odd creatures get the same reaction – though that reaction may be, in part, a result of the proximity of the spiders.

I don’t like webs and when I have to go into the storage area behind the nursery I always get weirded out because, if I were a spider, that’s where I would want to be. And there always seems to be webs back there. Heck, when I pulled out our suitcases for the trip to Massachusetts a couple of weeks ago, I had to quickly and carefully go through them to make sure that there were no spiders.

I hate spiders.

Knowing what I do about most arachnids, you’d also think that I would be a bit more sane about it. Spiders are actually very good caretakes of insects along the same lines as bats. I like bats. Bats are my friends. I used to have one as a pet (very short period of time) and am concerned when there are problems. It is estimated that if we did not have bats in the world we would literally be overrun by insects like mosquitoes and other pests. Spiders help control the number of insect pests in the world. This is a good thing. And yet. Not.

If I’d been of a different mind, and since our landlord put in all sorts of new mulch around the house, which, reading that website on the kind of spider we have, is prime real estate for that kind of spider, I might’ve let it live and take it outside. And yet, it breached the house. Entered the door, and made itself a victim to the wrath of me hating spiders.

The final outcome was that we’d purchased some poison for spiders and insects a few months ago that I’d intended to spray around the hatch in the bathroom and around the doors and windows in the house. When we got home and after Erin changed, I proceeded to spray around every door, the baseboards, the windows, everywhere (to include inside and around the bathroom hatch) to keep spiders out. I will spray again if I have to.

Don’t think that I won’t.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

This past weekend, well the day Erin and I flew to Massachusetts, as we were boarding the plane our bags were surprise searched by TSA (Transportation Security Administration). The man who took my bag said something like, “This is a heavy backpack.”

I said, “No. Not really. That is actually on the light side.”

He then proceeded to point out that I had something like six different books (that he could see) and a computer in the bag and that made sense that it was so heavy.

This is actually quite funny as my backpack, on average, is often considerably heavier than what he had to go through and heft. The reason I share this, or part of the reason I share this, is that I repacked the main pocket on the bag today and then hefted the bag onto my back. It is, as expected, considerably heavier than what the TSA representative had to go through.

Why would I share that I carry heavy backpacks?

I don’t really know.

Erin and I were watching Gilmore Girls the other day and it was the episode where Lorelei is roped into helping out with parent groups at Chilton (the private school Rory went to). At the beginning of the episode, Rory is complaining that her backpack is too small – a complaint that I have had in the past as I’ve had to figure out how to get what I want to take with me and what I have to take with me into the same small space. As a result, non-computer related, I have a few backpacks to choose from. One of which is designed for three nights of camping and has some internal framework.

I also have a couple of different computer bags.

And none of that includes the backpacks and computer bags that Erin has. Though, as I recall, she has one backpack, one computer backpack, and a computer bag she uses as a purse as it is designed to look nice and for women. I bought it for her for Christmas. She uses it all the time. I am thinking that for new mommy day or Christmas or something I should try to afford her a new bag along the same lines.

However, the number of backpacks and bags and computer bags we have around the house is a non-issue.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

I think it is time that I announce to the world my new passion in life. I am going to become a Utah Bigfoot Hunter. Yup, you heard me correctly, I am now dedicating my life to the hunt for bigfoot in the Utah mountain ranges.

Why?

Well, I was reading an article in the Daily Universe, the poorly written and poorly researched student newspaper on campus, that discussed some of the great hikes in Utah County. What did I get out of this article? Two things:

First, that Utah has the 11th highest number of sighting of bigfoot with most of those sightings taking place in mountainous regions of the state, with those taking place along the Wasatch-Cache national forest from American Fork Canyon to Mt. Nebo to Logan.

Second, in support of the existence of sasquatch or bigfoot or yeti or really big smelly ugly creatures, Brigham Young once said that the Gadianton Robbers once inhabited this area and their spirits still dwelt in the area trying to convince the members of the LDS faith that their faith is wrong.

When I sat down to look at the occurrences of bigfoot sightings in Utah I discovered the Utah UFO Hunters website and the Utah Bigfoot Hunters website. I would imagine the august and austere organizations are completely legitimate and focused on discovering the truth behind UFO and mythical creature sightings.

Another reason to stop my life’s dreams and pursue writing and publishing is the descriptions used:

• large humanoid, muscular, heavy
• very agile, elusive, intelligent
• taller than an average man (seven to eaight feet)
• covered with long brown or auburn hair (or white in the case of the Yeti) – color varies
• a strong repugnant odor
• large feet, as evidenced by castings of footprints – ranging from three to five toes
• psychic and telepathic abilities
• the ability to disappear or instantly blend in with its surroundings

(NOTE: Visit the original list here.)

Look at that list. What more evidence do you need? Especially since the Utah Bigfoot Investsigators know, without ever actually encountering, speaking with, seeing, or testing, that Bigfoot or Sasquatch or Yeti have psychic and telepathic powers. These are dangerous beasts, here, folks, and they need to be dealt with immediately. They need to be discovered. Imagine what allowing these creatures out in the wild could do to our animals, our pets, livestock, children, and house cats. Everyone is in danger the longer bigfoot goes undiscovered.

And that we know it is also intelligent as evidenced by it being elusive AND by people only catching quick glimpses of the beast as it disappears into the woods. People can make castings of the feet, which is great, because it means we have some evidence of its existence as well as hair samples. I mean, seriously folks, nothing else out in the world leaves brown or amber hair behind on trees. Especially during rutting season when Moose and Elk and Deer are trying to get the felt off of their antlers and scratch them against trees or they brushed too close to a tree or other object and left something behind.

Nope, the most logical and the simplest explanation of hair and imprints are not animals, bears, moose, and others, but rather a living breathing, intelligent and psychically telepathic and as all of these are true, then the existence of bigfoot must also be true because no other explanation is acceptable or fills in all of the physical evidence left behind.

As if that was not enough, President Spencer Kimball in his book Miracle of Forgiveness relates a story about one of the early apostles of the LDS church who had someone that resembled the description of bigfoot suddenly walking next to him and indicated that his role on the earth was to destroy the souls of men and could not die. This is solid evidence, folks, about Sasquatch, the doctrine behind the beast, and the fact that it not only exists but that it is out to get you. It wants to destroy the very core of who you are, your soul.

Yup, I am now dedicated to the cause of not only finding but eradicating bigfoot from Utah, the western United States, and, eventually, from the whole Earth. In order to do this, I am sure finding a University that teaches credible courses in xenobiology and mythical creature detection and apprehension would be a positive first step. I will, of course, have to give up the degree I am working on here and take some rather intensive coursework from a new institution. Which means that my wife and child will get to be ignored as I defend them from something that is clearly real and clearly out there and clearly able to not only hurt but destroy my family.

Now you know, I am now dedicated to finding bigfoot. Donations and letters of support are appreciated and with all of your help I hope to eliminate this threat to society and to our moral health.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

Or let them eat cake. And then the monarchy of France fell and the people were happy… for a time as they attempted to duplicate the revolution and government of the United States only to reinstate the monarchy when they realized that their form of democracy was flawed and the people who engineered it were really evil and worse than the monarch. I mean, really, who’s worse? The devil you know or the devil you don’t? In some cases, though, I would rather have hope for the devil you don’t.

With that said, I’d intended to write an update already and didn’t. Well, not entirely true. Or, Adam Smith was wrong… not that either, actually. I started writing one yesterday about the weekend, a kind of play-by-play of events and then never got done with it and, really, I am just trying to play catch-up in some areas of my life.

For example: the current summer term started on Monday. Erin and I were in Massachusetts on Monday morning. We expected to be back in Utah by late Monday night. We were not back in Utah until very early Tuesday morning. I have classes five days a week. I missed my Tuesday classes as well. Not a pleasant experience.

However, along with that, I also have to get back up to speed at work, and am struggling to. I can’t seem to focus as a dozen other things seem to be more important (to me) at the moment. When I packed up to leave the house (late) this morning, I thought about grabbing the books I’ve already purchased for my classes and then didn’t because I wasn’t in class, didn’t have any of the assignments, didn’t know what needed to be read, and, as a result, decided I was going with a (relatively) light backpack today than the (relatively) heavy backpack I normally go with.

Both Erin and I did go to work yesterday. And we both left work early as, honestly, being at work was a pain and neither of us were sufficiently recovered from our trip over the preceding weekend (that started on Thursday). I don’t know that either of us are still over it, though the trip did help with me finally getting over a head cold I’ve had for nearly a month. That was great. And until Sunday, when the western Massachusetts mold and pollen count hit five billion million (inaccurate hyperbole) I was fine… at that point, though, tear ducts felt as though they had something lodged within them and I’ve spent the past several days trying to get them to feel normal. And yes, this is odd as I don’t produce a sufficient amount of tears anyway.

On Friday (last week) we went and updated (Erin) and transferred (me) drivers licenses to the state of Massachusetts. That only required $105.00 and two separate trips to the RMV (equivalent to DMV everywhere else on the planet) and several hour of time.

I did get to purchase a copy of a book titled: Simplexity, that discusses how simple seeming things are often very complex and hard to understand while very complex things are often very simple and easy to understand. It is proving to be very interesting to read.

On top of that I have been reading Tobias Buckell‘s first novel which is interesting but bothers me somewhat in the reading. I will have to a) finish the book and b) collect my thoughts on the experience and then c) write about it at In Order to Write. Stay tuned for links to that.

Erin finally picked up a copy of The No Cry Sleep Solution which, from what I am understanding, essentially tells parents that there are many ways to get a child to go to sleep without crying and that the parents just need to test which method(s) work for them. Uhm. Gonna be honest here- I already knew that part. However, other than reminding her of a bad experience in her life with a book, Erin seems to be enjoying that book as well. She ended up with another book, too, but I don’t remember what it was called or when or where she got it.

In case you needed or wanted to know, I encourage the rampant purchasing of books.

Our weekend was meant to culminate on Sunday with a baby shower for Erin‘s family and friends on that side of the North American Continent. And, her family and friends all congregated to the house (with some exceptions) on Sunday afternoon, and in some cases on Friday morning and Saturday afternoon. Of note, the Scranton Girls showed up minus one, who had a family emergency and couldn’t make it, but otherwise would’ve, and we ended up with uniquely decorated onesies for Camper to have from newborn through nine months. They were well appreciated and we are grateful for all the gifts and legs up we keep receiving from people who are excited for us to have a new baby.

However, with all that said, the trip home was interestig. I heard on NPR today that there were thousands (yes, plural of thousand) of lightning and thunderstorms – which is unheard of – across the United States as a result of the storm system that was blowing through and that they were actually expecting more. The reason I share that is because we were caught up in the aftershocks of those storms. Sure, Monday morning, in the middle of the night, everyone in the house was awake because of the constant pounding of thunder as lightning strikes happened again and again and again for nearly an hour (and then power was knocked out) and then they happened again throughout the day. On the plus side, even though it was very muggy and humid in the Albany airport, our plane took off on time and got us to Chicago on time. However, the connector flight that we should’ve spent less than two hours waiting for was late, and then the flight crew was late, and then the ground crew somehow forgot that a plane needs water AND fuel to fly and about the time we should’ve seriously been considering our landing and getting home plan, we were still on the ground in Chicago in very uncomfortable seats, the one Erin was in didn’t recline, we ended up switching… by the end of the flight we were so sore and so glad it was over that, well, there is no way to express our reactions.

Yesterday, truth told, ended up being a day where we ended up being home most of the day in part because we were getting home around 3 a.m. and in part because Monday took a ton out of us.

On the plus side, though, I did get to go and speak to a representative (assistant actually, the person you want to speak with) for an MFA-Writing program that offers teaching associate positions. I think this is my top pick school, though I will be applying to others, primarily low-residency, and we shall see what happens between now and when I am done at BYU.

Other than that, things are good. Went to my first four hours of Mon-Wed-Fri classes and that was interesting. Have U.S. History since 1877 and Predicate Logic. In the latter class, the professor actually explained a principle that I spent a couple of weeks (ending last week) trying to understand and failing miserably.

Oh well.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly

Well, today the stuff disappeared. Specifically, I have been taking some medication for IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) that, in conjunction with BEANO, has allowed me to do lots of things I haven’t been able to do in the past. Knowing that I needed to refill my prescription of the medication (name of which I don’t know), I forgot until this morning and called the pharmacy to get them to refill it. In the process, since I was running low (read out) I supplemented the medicine with Imodium, which in the past has, at the least, allowed for solid stool – though I am pretty certain no one wants to hear about that.

Anyway, when I went to the pharmacy (before class) this morning to pick up the prescription, two things happened. First, they told me they couldn’t fill the prescription, which was not happiness. And second, they told me that no pharmacy in the area had the medication to fill the prescription – apparently they’d spent some time on the phone trying to track down the drugs. With the final thing (as a part of number two) that they had no date on when the manufacturer of the drug would be restocking the area.

My options: Go without until they got a refill; or go to my doctor and have him prescribe something else.

Interestingly, I happen to have an appointment with le doctor today and get to speak with him about refilling the prescription. What is upsetting, though, is not that I have to get another prescription, but that this is the first thing that has worked and has allowed me to live a semi-normal lifestyle; but is currently not available with no chance of it being made available in the foreseeable future.

A part of me wants to blame Uncle Sam (in the guise of GW), high cost of gas and energy, and national and foreign oil producers who claim that the price is what the market demands while forcing the costs higher. However, I don’t think that this is the fault of Uncle Sam, in the guise of anyone; I don’t think this has anything to do with fuel and energy costs; and I am pretty confident that it has nothing to do with national and foreign markets in any form or fashion.

Like my once-and-gone favorite SOBE beverage, Courage, I think it is just out of stock and possibly discontinued for lack of sales.

Truthfully, I don’t think the medication has been discontinued. Though shortages in supplies of stock are acceptable. I am not sure what I think about that. Granted, a different medicine will be necessary, and I am hoping it works as well as the past; but part of the way my mind works is that I see this is an extension of an Orwellian future as written in 1984 where stock of certain products is cut short intentionally to help keep and control the population in poverty and subservience. Though medication and razors are two entirely different things, and there is probably no connection between the two and Orwell and my experience today; I still think along those lines and wonder what to expect in the future.

I think that will be about it for the moment.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West

Real Heroes Fly