Guy Rules

There are some unspoken guy rules that, for many guys, have no need of ever being spoken of. These change, depending on where you are in the world and your culture. And for many of those, I have no clue as to define what they are. For the United States, though, and for Utah, I have a pretty good idea of what rules to follow.

One of the guy rules is that when there are a lot of open seats, two guys cannot sit next to each other. If you do, other guys might assume that the two guys sitting together are… uhm… weird. Gay. Homosexual.

I don’t, personally, care one way or the other about this particular rule. If you are that paranoid, then you shouldn’t be going out only with the guys. But that leads to another guy rule.

If you, as a guy, only, ever, associate with women, you must also be gay. You have to have guy friends (if you have friends) and you have to associate with them. Otherwise your sexual orientation is called in to question.

Guy rules. They make sense to someone. I don’t know who, but, you know, someone.

These rules extend in to the types of embraces that are acceptable in different social settings. For example, you can hug, but with that hug you have to beat each others backs – hard. I have a roommate that, on occasion, is very touchy feely. I don’t worry about him, because that is who he is, but according to the Guy Rules Guidebook, he is breaking some very serious rules whenever he actively (and seemingly randomly) goes around giving other guys a hug.

Or, take, dating. In Utah the first thing you do is check out a chicks left hand ring finger. If there is a ring there you don’t approach the chick with the intent of asking her on a date. Just not good mojo. She is taken, leave her alone.

Now, if she approaches you all flirty, then you can respond, in kind, and get to know her better; which is where a sub-rule comes in to play: If chick is only engaged and is still flirty, she is fair game until she is married. Meaning, you can pursue said girl because said girl may be engaged to a missionary and is not sure she wants to marry said missionary.

However, before proceeding on said assumption, it is absolutely necessary to ensure that chick is only wearing an engagement ring and not a wedding band; and that said chicks missionary is not coming home in two weeks. If said chicks missionary is coming home in two weeks it is necessary to allow said chick to discover whether or not changes in missionary are acceptable (or not) and whether she wants to continue being engaged to said missionary.

These are just the rules. I didn’t make them up. I just get to interpret them because, well, I live in this state and have to deal with the people.

There are other rules.

So, let’s say you are at a gas station and you see an attractive woman standing by her car. You choose to ignore the guy she is with and walk up to her and try to start a conversation. You don’t look to see if she is wearing a ring, and you don’t pay attention to the person she is with.

There are a couple of rules being broken. First, the guy didn’t look to see if there was a ring. Second, he didn’t pay attention to who the chick was with. These are both complete faux pas. You just don’t do that. It’s a guy rule.

And yet, it happens.

Another hint at what is appropriate, say, in the example of the gas station attendant, is that the chick then turns to the guy she is with and allows him to answer the questions, expects him to answer them. As the guy the chick is with your job is to answer the questions quickly and perfunctorily and with as little enthusiasm as possible. Under the guy rules guidelines this is a clue that what you, as interlocutor, are asking is not appropriate.

Now, lets say that guy breaking the rules doesn’t get it. He is still asking questions and hasn’t gotten the clue. He asks something like, “What are you out doing today?”

The answer, “I am out with my fiancé,” chick flashes ring.

Guy breaking rules responds, “Oh, I thought you were out with your dad.”

Fiance does not look old enough to be “dad” and with sunglasses on looks, if anything, younger – NOT OLDER. Chick tells guy, “I don’t get it.”

Guy breaking rules, says, “I was making a joke.”

Chick says, “I didn’t get it.”

Guy breaking rules walks away.

There are guy rules for a reason. It is like the Constitution and other laws. They exist so that people know how to communicate with each other and how not to step on each others toes. Not everyone follows the rules. Some of the rules exist so as to assure the people around them that the guy in question is secure about his sexuality. Guy rules are there to help guys get along with each other.

If you go to a different country, the rules are different. If you live in a different state, the rules may be slightly different. The point is that there are rules for a reason and those rules need to be followed.

No animals were harmed in the writing of this entry.

John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Denny Crane | Bond. James Bond