Roommate Etiquette
So, there are some rules that seem to go unspoken but still exist when living with roommates. For years I didn’t live with them. Now, I do. One of the roommates is spending his nights and weekends and holidays in jail. Jail is different from prison. Prison is often incarceration for more than a year; jail is incarceration for less than a year. There are other differences, but the idea of a roommate in jail brings up rule number one, note that these rules are in no particular order:
Rule Number One: When advertising for roommates and showing available spaces, tell potential renters the real pros and cons of the place. In the Mormon Provo community, great ward is not a selling point. A con to the place (and one that I am pretty sure is legally required) is to inform potential roommates of possible legal problems with other roommates. In this case the issue is a sex offender. That should’ve been shared.
Rule Number Two: Share roommate expectations of space, sharing, use of cupboards, stove, dishes, etc. with new roommates. Don’t expect someone to magically understand that they cannot use something when there is no name on it and it sits in a public space. I don’t read minds and neither do you. If you have some idiosyncrasy, please share; otherwise, don’t think you have a right to say something when it ticks you off so much that a roommate’s mere presence offends you. This also means that you have to set expectations. If you are moving and you are the person whose name the bills are in, advertise it so that there is no disruption of service for things like water, electricity, gas, or waste.
Rule Number Three: Don’t expect your roommate(s) to defend illegal or immoral actions. If you break the law and you choose to share your plans or expect support once you’ve broken the law, you cannot expect people you live with to stand by you. Therefore, let’s say you proposition a minor online, get caught, and then have the sheriff’s office or police department coming after you cannot expect your roommate(s) to change their plans to accommodate court dates or being character witnesses. The fact that you are under arrest for something you did doesn’t mean that everyone else should suffer.
Rule Number Four: If’n you don’t like someone you live with either work it out or keep it to yourself. Chances are your roommates are going to know, anyway, and you will probably do something that makes the dislike mutual. Besides, the more you let dislike fester the more it will affect more than just the relationships with your roommates.
Rule Number Five: Don’t take someone else’s mail. Truth told it is against the law. That is something with someone else’s name on it and it should be respected regardless of how long it sits there. Admittedly, as someone who receives mail, I don’t check it every day and when I do I don’t always immediately open it. On top of that, it’s just wrong to take something that doesn’t belong to you when there is a clear indicator of real ownership.
Rule Number Six: This one by way of serving an LDS mission. Don’t read someone else’s journal. If there is someone’s handwriting in it, and it’s not yours (trust me, you know), you should totally ask before you attempt to peruse. Chances are the act of asking will prove that you are pretty stupid and should’ve learned from siblings, missionary companions, or common sense that you don’t get into someone else’s stuff.
Rule Number Seven: If you want to make a change to the apartment or the living conditions you really REALLY need to ask your roommates. That’s not a request. It’s not a suggestion. If you plan to move into a place and bring new furniture to replace the old stuff and you don’t talk to your roommates about it, chances are you are going to step on toes. Don’t do it. It’s really not worth it. Regardless of how nice a person you are, you are going to step on toes.
Rule Number Eight: Learn to talk to everyone. Who cares if you’re a bigger introvert than I am. And believe me, I am one of the biggest introverts you are ever going to meet and I have learned, time and again, that you have to talk to your roommates. Communication is tantamount to a good relationship whether or not you will choose to associate with those same individuals after you separate ways.
Rule Number Nine: Don’t assume that you will make friends with your roommates. They are roommates. They share the bills. That’s it. Nothing more. If you become friends that’s great; but the outcome is most likely going to be you and the roommate disagreeing over who you date because the roommate wants to date the person; or you will disagree over clothes, over computer equipment, cooking, what is cooked, when it is cooked, what times people should go to bed, or a thousand, thousand other things and all of them stupid.
Rule Number Ten: Roommates are transitory. They come. They go. They get married. They go off on missions. You should be transitory. You should come. You should go. You should plan to get married. And if you haven’t served one, you should plan to serve a mission (given that you are LDS). You will not live with your roommate(s) forever and if you do, then the individual changes from roommate into something else entirely.
Granted, these are ten rules that are spurred on by some recent experiences with roommates. I could go on for a while, I am sure. It’s not something I really want to get into. The basic tenet of living with someone else is to maintain a footprint that is as small as possible outside of your personal living space and to communicate wants, desires, and expectations. Do this and chances are you will get along. Remember that the roommate isn’t a permanent fixture in your life and by remembering that in all your interactions you will find that nothing matters as much as we think it should during arguments, negotiations, or even play.
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