After posting yesterday with my ten rules of roommates I was thinking that it might be important to post about my guidelines of friends. I have to admit that I am constantly amazed when someone tells me they have a lot of friends. I don’t. It doesn’t occur to me to look at the people I associate with and consider every single one of them friends. In fact, the appellation of friend is one that I take pretty seriously. I may use it like the rest of the world does, in referring to acquaintances, but the truth is that I neither have a lot of friends nor make them easily.
So, here are the Five Guidelines for Friends:
Guideline One: A person is not elevated to friend until I’ve known him or her for at least three years. That does not mean that we are passive acquaintances for a period of three years. It means that we’ve done dinner, gone to movies, hung out, played video games, worked on cars, the list can go on for quite a while. This is the person I am willing to loan a book to and not worry about getting it back, immediately, because I know that sooner or later he or she will insist upon returning it or remind me that they have it. There is a level of trust associated with the aspect of spending time with someone and nothing on this planet is going to replace “time spent.” You either get to know him or her or you don’t.
Guideline Two: A friend is someone who you can argue with, disagree over some subject, and you know, regardless of whatever else is about to happen, that you will get over it. You don’t have to agree. And you don’t have to agree to disagree. You just have to accept that there are aspects to the person you may not, or do not, like that come out on occasion, the same is true about you, and the outcome is that you forgive, forget, and move on. The argument doesn’t become the bone of contention between the two of you and when it does happen, which may not be very often or could be frequently, it is an aspect of the relationship and not the defining factor.
Guideline Three: Friends are people. They are not coworkers. They are not roommates. They are not classmates. They are people. Got that? People. That does not mean that you won’t make friends with coworkers, with roommates, with classmates, or the bum on the side of the road. You can and you probably will. The appellations of coworker and roommate are merely one facet to the individual. You have to get to know more about them. Be willing to continue associating with them after you’ve moved on and have the same from them when they move on. Friendship transcends how you met and you will, pretty quickly, learn that certain people mean more to you than the job, the location, or even the latest drama or excitement in your life.
Guideline Four: Marriage does not denote friendship. Marriage denotes the beginning of the experiences necessary to build a lasting friendship. That is important. I am constantly amazed and confused by boys and girls (that’s important) who meet, three weeks later (or three months, or six) get engaged, get married a short time later, and then claim they are the other persons best friend. Uhm. Think about that for a minute. Best Friend. The people I might place in that category live all the way on the other side of the country from me. They know me almost as well as my parents, probably as well or better than my siblings, and I would trust them to make life decisions in my behalf in a hearbeat. I’ve known one of them almost as long as I’ve been home from my mission (in excess of 10 years) and the other for from five to six years. We know each other pretty well and I know what buttons can be pushed as do they. I don’t have to talk to them every day, or even every week, to maintain the relationship, but we’ve (two ways) put in the time and effort necessary to be really good friends. On the more local front I have two people I can immediately think of that I really like and that I really do consider friends. That should be a clue to some people about me and friendship. We are up to four. There are others of whom I am still in the process of cultivating friendship and some whom I thought I could be friends, eventually, but through other circumstances have pulled back, pulled away, and have removed myself from that ever becoming a reality. The New Hampshire boys are somewhere along that course, one more than the other due to time, but you should be getting an idea that friendship isn’t immediate, it isn’t bestowed upon someone simply because we got married, and it takes a lot of time and effort to be honest and real.
Guideline Five: You very frequently don’t get to pick who your friends are or will become. You, also, don’t get to pick who your family is. Family is not friends. They are family. There is a difference. The relationship will forever be different. The two categories do not transcend each other. You cannot point to your siblings and say, “These are my friends.” They are siblings. You will never be friends with your parents. It does not happen. Family is family and friends are friends. My brothers are great to talk to; I can share, with them, things I can’t share with anyone else. However, they are still my brothers and as such, I cannot share with them things I can share with my friends. The separation is important. It is vital to good and healthy relationships. I love my family. I like my friends. I would do anything for my family. I would only do a lot for my friends. My family can get me to drop everything. My friends can only get me to drop what is not immediately important. Are you seeing the difference? There is a connection that will always exist between me and my brothers and sisters and parents (and, hopefully, someday a wife and children) that will never exist between me and my friends. Chances are I will always know where my family is and will make the effort to visit and be there for them; chances also are that my friends may disappear from my life.
That’s it. There are probably more guidelines for friends just as there are rules for roommates. It seemed important to outline the differences. I really do believe that roommates can become friends and I believe that the relationship between husband and wife and brother and sister can mimic that of friendship, but the outcome will always be different and will always be more. I expect that when I get married I will have a familial bond with my wife that is deeper and more meaningful than anything I have with my family or close friends. I think that is intentional. Relationships take a lot of time. There are no shortcuts. You cannot decide you are going to do something and then expect that it is going to happen. Well, you probably can, but the outcome isn’t the same until effort and time has been put into it.