I was released today from my calling. This is something I’ve been anticipating for some time now, but I don’t know that I expected the feelings that came over me once the release took place. Instead of a feeling of relief I became a bit melancholy over the change in the guard. They’ve called someone new and now I am superfluous to the process, or so it would feel.

On top of that I’ve spent the bulk of the afternoon packing boxes because I haven’t had a chance to get to the packing thing. Every time I think I’ve found all of the books I come across another stack, another stash, another bit that I’d placed somewhere in lieu of throwing them in a box to either ship or take with me. For the most part, all of my books are being shipped, but the sheer volume seems to be a bit overwhelming to me. I came out here knowing I would buy books and I leave wondering just how much money I spent on one of my loves.

When I get back to Utah I plan to pull all of the books out of boxes and have them on shelves somewhere. Granted, this requires me to find a somewhere to put them, and possibly an investment in shelves, but that’s the plan. Take the books out of boxes and make sure they have a chance to air out; a chance to breathe.

You’d think that the process of leaving, for someone who has a very real hit and run personality, would be easier to deal with the emotions of leaving New Hampshire and the people I’ve met out here; but I am finding that the closer I get to leaving the more the emotions seem to affect me. I would’ve thought that leaving Layton and all of my friends there would’ve caused a much stronger reaction from me last year, and granted there was a reaction, but it’s the one I seem to be building up to this year that seems to be more pervasive in my emotional ranges than what I went through to come east.

Work is going to be a real winner over the next week. I am scheduled to work a lot of overtime and that may prove to be a serious downfall. In either case, I have less than two weeks before I skip town and head west. Number eight flies into Logan Airport in a little more than a week and a half and then we get into my car and drive out of here. The act of moving is proving to be a bit daunting as I consider what needs to be done compared to what has already been done and what I don’t know about yet.

Admittedly, I am a bit taken back by the rabbit in the hat that is my life, at present, as I prepare to go to BYU, as I prepare to take another two terms at SNHU, and as I prepare to begin the next phase of my life. Is there a rabbit in the hat? And if so, why can’t you see and how does the magician do it? Answer those questions, without giving away the trick, and you may be a bit closer to finding an answer to what’s happening to, and inside of, me.

I feel like I need to e messing with people’s lives. Pulling strings, making other people dance, watching as lives unfold and tweaking what happens for the shear amusement and pleasure of watching and messing around. Admittedly, there are elements to this that I, on occasion, mentally work through fictionally and will return to, I am sure, to write someday; and admittedly, I am sure that someone, somewhere out there, is messing with my life in such a way that I am becoming slightly gun shy to the notion of what is happening, what will be happening, and what I can expect to happen in the future.

Last week I had this chick somehow try to convince me that I’d asked her out. Granted, I am a little rusty when it comes to dating and I have been very obvious in my lack of dating for the past year (and some months), but I am not so rusty in the dating scenes that I don’t remember, and don’t recognize, when I’ve asked someone out. Mere desire to go out with someone, whether on the part of the boy or the girl, does not denote cause to actually go on a date with a person. If that were the case I would’ve gone out with several people I am glad I’ve never dated.

At work I am working like a dog. I get to look at all of the stats and compare them to other people’s stats and then report back on them. I can tell you that mine are… impressive. But when you look at the people around me taking the same kinds of calls as me who are also suffering from longer call times and other stuff, it makes me wonder why I am where I am and why our times and stats are so disparately different. There is, on average, little comparison between me and the rest of the trees out there.

I’ve got these poser dummies. If you don’t know what those are then, well, you should learn to ask good questions because I won’t adequately answer bad ones, and I keep thinking that I should begin posing those on my desk at work. A little touch of my odd sense of humor for the next week and a few days I will be working at Fidelity and for this group. (Granted, my hope and plan is to continue working for Fidelity, but you never really know.) And yet, I won’t do that because I am moving and chances are I will toss those into a box to be shipped to Never, Never Land with books and other belongings. Sure, I’ve got stuff here, but most of it is books and movies and music and only a portion of any of this is actually going to physically be making the trip with me. If plans go as I believe they will, most of my stuff will be shipped west very soon. I’ve got to get smaller boxes to send the books in.

The point is that I want to be controlling lives right this second. I want to create and destroy, mold and change according to my whim and I am living outside of what I can control, at the moment. I get to babysit (yeah me) Friday and Saturday because the couple I live with are having a wedding anniversary and the girls like me and because I really do believe that couples should spend quality time together. I get to find time to spend with friends before I leave and for some reason there is this groundswell movement to get me to actually interact with people at church and at work as though I am some really good friend about to leave and never return (there’s a bit of truth to this, jsyk).

I want to pull the strings and watch people dance. I want to turn on the fire and watch the chicken bounce around. I want to mold the clay, change the gels, direct the actors, and be directly in charge and I am not.

I don’t feel like I am in control and that is frustrating me. The world, and providence, seems to be directing my actions and paths and in the end, I have no rebuttal except to stand to post and wait for the next command to be handed down. Stand to post.

Sometimes there are very long nights. For parents, these nights may be related to children, sick or otherwise afflicted, out on the town, or making poor choices in their lives. I am sure I have caused my parents some long nights. However, my long nights, these days, have nothing to do with being a parent or worrying about a bad, or poor, decision I?ve made.

Last night was one of those long nights. They happen on occasion. The outcome isn?t necessarily bad, I don?t personally mind staying up late and dealing with my personal demons (note: this is not bad decisions), but at the same time, long nights make for very hard days.

People who know me, and deal with me, know that I need my sleep. If I don?t get it today I will be getting it tomorrow or very soon. My body doesn?t handle the lack of sleep some people go through for school or work very well. The truth of the matter is that I get pretty sick if I allow long nights to happen very often. I don?t have much control over when the need arises.

Demons aren?t always bad things. The outcome of the demon can be bad. But in the case of having demons and dealing with them, it doesn?t mean that what I am going through is bad. What I am going through, or what is causing the long night, may have more to do with personal change and developing need than something that will cause me to falter or fall in various chosen paths.

On occasion these demons have more control over me than at other times. When the demons begin showing their nasty heads I become more reclusive than I normally am. Granted, I look forward to spending quality time with a good book or an even better idea, or even a Hitchcock movie, or for that matter a lot of good movies and some very bad ones. Regardless of the amount of time I like to spend by myself, I still find it necessary to spend time with people and will interact with friends, the family I live with, and even coworkers, based on what is going on and personal need. As a result of my social nature I went to my first kegger and don?t ever have to do that again.

The demons I am speaking of are very personal. They don?t show up very often, at times it seems like they show themselves every three months, this last time it appears that it?s closer to six, for a long time it was almost an annual thing. I don?t like myself very much during the times when I am plagued. It makes for long nights and difficult days and the solutions to the problem seem to come in very odd and sometimes embarrassing (personally) ways.

However, as I go through the torment of personal demons, of change, of acceptance to what causes these beasts to come and haunt me; I?ve come to learn a lot about myself. I am not embarrassing the parts of me that surface when I have these long nights, but I am beginning to accept aspects of myself that I never thought I would even understand. These long nights, often after the sun has gone down and ending as the first rays of morning come through the windows, are educational. Here?s hoping I don?t ever slip too far.