Today is certainly not the first day of March, nor is March my reasoning for updating. For some reason, things have changed. Drastically. Starting with how I view people.
I’ve been struggling with an essay question necessary for my application to Boston University. In its essence, the question requires that I spend about 500 words writing about a topic that is important to me. My problem has been that I don’t know what that topic is. There have been several that come to mind, several areas of my life that are important, but topics like loyalty or family don’t seem to have a place, for me, in a college essay.
The essay is taking a different form in my mind. Tonight I couldn’t write one if I wanted to. Tomorrow I may be able to sit down and write the essay. My goal is to have the essay and application completed by this Friday.
That’s not exactly the problem, though. For quite a while I’ve been wondering if the support, and platitudes, I’ve been receiving about my moving across the country were hollow. Today I believe that they are very much hollow, shallow, non-existent.
The real outcome, for me, has been two things. First, I went and ran the snow blower around the church for about two hours. That was a physically taxing job because of slightly warmer weather and ice. I spent more than two hours getting the snow moved.
Once I came home I changed from winter-esque clothes into work-out clothes, programmed the elliptical trainer for a very long, very hard, work-out, and then spent nearly an hour running while standing still. Somewhere in the middle of the workout I removed my t-shirt because I was so hot. Hot in the middle of winter in a basement that is normally quite cool.
I decided to do the workout because I wanted to wear myself out. Needless to say, between the two workouts, I am very tired.
Before I’d completed the workout Debbie told me that Andy was going to Concord Hospital to help administer to a sister in our ward. This sister, on her way to the Temple yesterday, was in a multi-car pile-up, was tossed from the drivers seat, run over by a Ford Explorer, and placed into the ICU at the hospital. Last night only family was being admitted. When we got to the hospital, this evening, that was still true; but, we had a family member that was asking for our assistance.
I can’t say that my day has been a long one – or that I have done a lot to advance my station, my place, my financial standing or anything else. The only thing I can say is that I am kind of disturbed at a conversation I had earlier today. This conversation prompted me to jump at the request to clear the sidewalks, it pushed me onto the elliptical trainer (not that I need a lot of pushing these days for that), it convinced me that there are a lot of things that dwarf who and what we are in this world.
The outcome is that my plans are changing. If I could move any farther east, without crossing the Atlantic, I would. I can’t do that. Moving isn’t an option. However, changing the way I interact with people, changing my personal priorities, making some things more important than others, these things I can change.
A couple of years ago the only thing I could change was the color of my hair and so I made it blonde. As blonde as I could possibly make it. Apparently, when you get to a certain shade, the color comes across as green for a while. My hair was blonde with a tint of green. I’m not going to be coloring my hair and I am not going to be making any radical changes; but I am going to change.
What I have decided, what is finally beginning to make sense to me, is that when I cannot trust that the people who are closest to me are going to be up-front with me, are going to deal with me honestly, then I have to treat those individuals as though they are not acting or thinking in my best interests. I’ve spent my life believing that people are inherently good and that I was raised by parents who inherently were acting, when they chose to act, in my best interest. I no longer believe that people act, inherently or otherwise, in my best interest regardless of the relationship with me. Regardless, I feel as though I am turning a new page in my life.
Let’s see where life takes me – I’m done asking permission.
John Hattaway | smokingpen | Alicia Grey | Clockwork Princess | Cassandra West
Real Heroes Fly